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  • #17847
    Shanu Kanjilal
    Participant

    Two Souls under One Sky

    By Shanu Kanjilal

     

    One day we will surely walk in delight

    Under that mystical moonlight,

    One day we will surely not make any noise

    And listen to each other like two innocent toys.

    One day we will surely steal time from life 

    And go somewhere to experience the essence of being alive,

    One day we will surely not pretend to be occupied

    And do something where we feel not compromised.

    One day we will surely not register our memories

    In a mere camera, book or dairy

    But rather in our mind’s eyes for centuries.

    One day we will surely understand the emotions

    Not through spoken words, shedding tears, or striking commotions

    But through undeclared motions, unstated eyes and unarticulated expressions

    One day we will surely meet and be in this world with our promises

    And sitting together in the hours of darkness, calculating our hits and misses

    And then laugh at our flaws and celebrate our wishes.

    One day we will surely meet our conclusions

    And it will be an entrance for new illusions, illustrations and even implosions.

    Shanu Kanjilal 

    #18470
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    Thank you so much for sharing your poem with me.  You have a wealth of emotion in your poem and I can feel the joyful ending.  I would like to suggest that you rely less on rhyme and try to find images (metaphors and similes) for your emotions.  Rhyme has its place in poetry, but it shouldn’t dictate how the poem is written, the rhythm of the poem or perhaps most importantly, the message of the poem.  I do believe you have the promise of a fine poem here, it just needs, what all writers must adjust to, editing.  I would also like to suggest you read some contemporary poets to get a better feel for how poetry looks on the page and sounds to the ear.  Once again, thank you for engaging with poetladykatz.com  – Susan

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