Thank you so very much for sharing this very emotional, and intensely felt, poem with me. I like the consistent tone, the rhythm (though I have a couple of suggestions there) and the message. There is something wonderfully noble about the “me” in this poem.
Disdain me but
Behind the curtain
I look ( lovely, tight rhythm here!)
Not as a puppet master (do you need the “a” here?)
But a concerned bystander you loathe ( I would love to see you “tighten this line)
I only cheer behind the curtain (do you need “only?”)
With all my adoration for you (do you need “with?”)
Like I said previously (this is more a declaration than a line in a poem – do you need it – just eliminating it and moving right to your next line would tighten your poem and take it to a quicker, more dramatic ending. In poetry, “less is more” – think of the poem as a fist – the story as the open hand.)
My life resides in you (nice!)
Your poem is powerful because you have committed emotionally to it. I think, as well, that it is very well written and, my suggestions (and they are just that, suggestions) attempt to take your poem into a more poetic consciousness. Disregard them if they do not resonate with you.
Again, thank you for trusting me with your poem, Susan
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