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  • October 16, 2021 at 2:10 am #17997
    Candice
    Participant

    Dreams within me

    Hoping to see it come true

    The reason of my bliss

    Yes, the secret is all of this

    To fly so high flapping my wings

    Into the deep sinking sea

    I recall how I rose up

    Amidst all the barriers

    And trials immense.

    All I wanted and ought to be,

    Surprising it turned out to be.

    Nothing but my destiny.

     

    The journey was too long

    So, exhausting to carry along

    My never-ending burdens

    Dissatisfaction maybe

    Each time I persevere

    With dedication and sincerity.

    I get to know it’s incomplete

    And room for improvement.

    All I needed is guidance

    For what was right and just.

    That’s the motivation

    That carved my destiny.

    October 16, 2021 at 10:16 am #18664
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    Hi Candice,  So nice to hear from you in the format of your very strong and meaningful poem.  I do have a number of suggestions – and they have to do with the concept in poetry that, less is more.  In other words, if you can say something in two words, don’t use five.  A few examples – “Dreams within me/ hoping they come true”  “The reasons for my bliss/ the secret of all this…”  Just a few examples of how you could tighten your poem and by doing so, strengthen it – make it more powerful.  Prose is an open hand, poetry is a closed fist.  Thank you so much for sharing – please send again, when you have had a chance to work a bit on it.  I do so appreciate your interest in Poet Lady Katz.  You friend in poetry, Susan

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