Home › Forums › Poetry Talk › The snake that hissed!💔

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  • November 5, 2021 at 10:11 pm #18013
    Yash._14
    Participant

    Right now,
    Nothing can be fixed,
    And no one can’t be missed,

    We both remember the day we first kissed,
    And the day when i hold your wrist,

    Walking together in the mist,
    Was a snake there that hissed,

    He bit me on the fist,
    The poison got on me unkissed

    Without giving a gist
    You left me alone like i never exist…

    Yash

     
    November 6, 2021 at 10:13 am #18690
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    Thank you for submitting your poem for consideration for Featured Poem of the Month for December.  I truly appreciate the intense emotion in your poem.  I sense that this poem comes from a very honest, and very heartfelt place.  I would suggest that you spend less time working on rhyme and more time working on images, images that will help us feel what you feel.  Poetry should not tell us how to feel, it should show us through the magic and power of imagery.  The idea of the snake is really good.  Now, expand on that through imagery – “in the mist/ hissing and poised to strike/ a snake uncoiled/ like a promise broken…

    I believe you have a fine poem just about ready to break free, given time and the work of the poet, editing.  We all love to write – that’s the fun part – but, editing, now that’s where the poem is truly born.

    Your friend in poetry, Susan

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