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  • April 13, 2022 at 2:50 pm #18059
    RG983
    Participant

    Love’s Satiety hath grew!

    To me, O lady, thou owe a queer emotion,

    Which binds me to thou, in pain and pleasure;

    Which enbosom’s thou greatness, in beauty & in minds,

    For thou smile is the dawn, whom the darkness doth finds.

    Beyond horizons of death, we shall raise a cottage,

    & fashion those walls, with erotic paintings long lost;

    Where scorpions won’t poison our pious tale of passion,

    So no regret shall thrive, in heart’s small cushion.

    Nought keep me patient, before li’l left days,

    Of union, till then all nights fail slumber;

    Shades of benevolence, have bloomed in mine bower,

    Tis’ awaiting thou regard, for an eternal hour.

    My lungs now taste thou neck’s wondrous scent,

    Which secretly thou behold, in the crevices of soul;

    Lavish art those eyes, O painted in hyacinth blue-

    Which engrosses in world’s wonders, & world’s charmed in you…

    Forbids what then thou, to glow beyond gloom,

    Let despondence cease, in intimacy of thoughts;

    Amour to the world, is this what concerns thou?

    Then hear, O beloved,” In us love’s satiety hath grew”.

    R.G.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    April 13, 2022 at 3:10 pm #18753
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    Thank you for submitting your poem here in the Chat Room.  Let me start by saying, you have some lovely, lyrical, finely written lines in your poem.  I will reference some of them but first, there are some issues with grammar and tense in your poem.  Grammatically correct would be:  Loves Satiety has grown – or – Loves Satiety grew – “Which enbosom’s thou greatness, in beauty & in minds” “embosom’s is not a word in English – perhaps you meant “embodies?”  And “minds” need not be plural – just “mind” would work better, as, I assume, it is your “mind” we are talking about.  Again “finds” should be “find” – “

    “Beyond horizons of death, we shall raise a cottage,

    & fashion those walls, with erotic paintings long lost;

    “Where scorpions won’t poison our pious tale of passion,

    So no regret shall thrive, in heart’s (our hearts?)      LOVELY LINES

    “Lavish art those eyes, O painted in hyacinth blue-”  VERY NICE

    “Forbids what then thou, to glow beyond gloom,” THIS LINE IS CONFUSING

    “Amour to the world, is this what concerns thou?

    Then hear, O beloved,” In us love’s satiety hath grew”.” YOUR POEM DESERVES A CLEARER ENDING THAN THIS.  I AM A BIT CONFUSED BY THESE TWO LINES AND THIS IS WHERE THE POEM NEEDS TO MAKE ITS ULTIMATE STATEMENT.

    I would be most happy to see your poem again, after you have had a chance to work on it and do some editing and grammatical corrections.  I am planning on doing a week, on my site, where I focus on love as the theme.  I will be happy to consider your poem for “Poem of the Week” for that week, after you’ve had a chance to edit it.

    You have talent and you understand the intricacies and passion of poetry.  I am so impressed by your ability to write poetry in a second language.  Your poem just needs some tightening and correcting and I think it will be something you can be very, very proud of.  Thanks once again, for trusting me with your work, Susan

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