Does your heart ever remind you to miss. As you kiss your other do you ponder on mother and the I your rejection.
Father
My cheeks grow tender with each tear that flows in fantasy of :
what could have been,
Should have been,
Shouldn’t be,
Should I even be?
Father
When you left… When you fled was I the ignition, was I like omen to farmers havest or like viking with war cry that shook you out of your village.
Father
I hate you for what could have been yet I miss you.
I hate me for missing you when he and she speak about their daddy and I…
I hate you.
.
This is a very emotional, very intense poem and, for the most part, it works very well. We feel your pain and we understand your message. Please see some suggestions below:
Father
My cheeks grow tender with each tear that flows in fantasy of : (I would end this line with “fantasy” and bring “of” down to start the next line. I would omit capitals at the start of each line and, omit punctuation because this poem is a flowing thought, an ongoing feeling and we don’t punctuate thoughts and feelings.)
what could have been,
Should have been,
Shouldn’t be,
Should I even be? (Love this!)
Father
When you left… When you fled was I the ignition, was I like omen to farmers havest or (this line is a bit confusing – “/” this symbol stands for line break – I would break it up to read: “when you left / when you fled was I / like the viking war cry that shook you out of your village))
Father
I hate you for what could have been yet I miss you. (I would take out “yet” and turn this into two lines)
I hate me for missing you when he and she speak about their daddy and I… (when others speak about their daddy… take out “and”
I hate you.
This is a really powerful poem. I would love to see it after you’ve had time to think about it and do some editing. I would definitely consider it for a future “Featured Poem of the Week. Please remember that what I offer are suggestions, the poem is yours and you may consider my suggestions, apply them or, disregard them, Your friend in poetry, Susan