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  • August 29, 2022 at 9:10 pm #18103
    Being_oasis
    Participant

    Clouds up above my head,

    As I walk down the moonlit lane,

    Gentle wind carrying on its back,

    Squeaks, chirps, silent laughs.

     

    Hands tucked deep inside,

    Eyes bowed down, saddened mind

    Mundane thoughts in my head

    Stupid emotional distress

    Feelings hidden from the world,

    Came barging in, no answers learned.

    Some questions they did propose,

    Answers were two drops alone.

     

    Friends I had quite a few,

    Left now none, it’s just me and you,

    Who is the other, you might wonder?

    Mind and heart blown asunder

    Being clumsy to cure the gloom inside,

    Behind that smile is a crying child,

    Why so sad? Can’t really tell!

    You might relate, if you knew well

     

    Didn’t grow from the kid I was,

    Making paper planes, paper boats,

    Dancing under the thunder clouds,

    Jumping on puddles, wherever found,

    Watching squirrels, at their merry play,

    Peeping at sparrows from far away.

    Dazzled by the starry sky,

    Listening to the sounds of night

     

    No idea, why am I still

    Whether is it a curse, or is it chill

    To be a child in an adult build

    To be a child in an adult build

     

    Walked past some passerby

    Smiles exchanged, no replies

    Eyes conversed what lips could not

    Forgot the gloom, happy thoughts

    Strangers we were all along

    Travelers having tea at dawn

     

    Fall of night, taking place

    Walking under good moon’s gaze

    Lost am I In this world?

    Or All of it is just a blur

     

    Life and its complexities

    Cannot really comprehend

    Pray to be anything else

    Just not a zombie of the adult realm

    Just not a zombie of the adult realm

     

     

     

    :-Mohammad Owais

    September 4, 2022 at 9:40 am #18788
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    I’m sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your very intense and meaningful poem.  I did want to tell you that you have some very fine, very bold moments here, and your message comes through loud and clear.  What I would like to suggest (please see suggestions alongside the lines below) is that you spend less time on rhyming and more time composing lines like:

    Didn’t grow from the kid I was,

    Making paper planes and paper boats, (you don’t need the “and” – in poetry “less is more”)

    Still, dance under the thunder clouds (take out “still” and just go with “dancing” under thunder clouds – love this line!)

    And jump on puddles, (“jumping” – whenever possible put your lines in the present tense – it makes them more relatable and meaningful)

    wherever I found (wherever found – take out “I”)

    Still watch squirrels, and their merry play,  (“watching squirrels at their merry play)

    And peep at sparrows from far away. (“peeping” at sparrows from far away_

    Dazzled by the starry sky,

    Listened to the sounds of night (“Listening” to…)

    These are, of course, just suggestions but I do think your poem has great possibility and would love to see it again, after you’ve had a chance to edit it.  Thank you so very much for sharing your work with me, Susan

     

    September 6, 2022 at 11:27 am #18789
    Being_oasis
    Participant

    Thank you so much for reading my poem and giving such intricate details, i have been submitting poems on your page since a year and your teachings have helped me improve a lot. I did the necessary corrections you asked for. Hope you like it.

    Ps: really looking forward to learn more about poetry from you.
    tysm 🙂

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