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  • September 29, 2022 at 3:59 am #18107
    Comfort
    Participant

    I stray from falling in love,

     

    For I know I have no wings nor you to keep us in the high of love,

    Nor plane with metal to hold, us, when hearts we break and words they told… “you’re not the one”, ache,

     

    I stray from falling in love because we cannot fly,

     

    Nay, instead want to intertwine with you like vines as we grow in love as we show me how to nurture our bond and our story will be told as we grew old in love,

    September 29, 2022 at 9:37 am #18795
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    “…intertwine with you like vines…” is lovely both in the image and the rhyme.  Remembering “less is more” I might like to see some of the more “archaic” words removed from the poem and let it flow more naturally – example: “I know I have no wings to keep us in the ‘heights’ of love…  Not sure of the meaning of “nor plane with metal to hold us…”  You have talent – just try using more imagery and less words.  Sometimes “words” get in the way of the emotions we want the poem to spark – and we get hung up on trying to figure out what the poet is saying.  Also, check your grammar and tenses to make sure what you are saying translates into English and into what you truly want to say.  Look forward to seeing it again.  Thank you so much for sharing your work with me, Susan

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