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  • December 11, 2022 at 1:43 am #18118
    Comfort
    Participant

    If this be windows to your soul

    Darling, your house is flooded,

    Cracks on the walls covered by portraits distract gazing eyes

    A room once for your inner child, now darkened with your younger self hiding under the blanket,

    Hues of the paint losing its luminescence, 

    Your door sealed with locks, none can open,

    Your tap drips timely, a gentle reminder of the leaks you have not fixed,

    Floors soaked; how long can your house bear the weight?

    What once was a temple, now ravished by demons and lost souls… your lost soul.

    If this the be windows to your soul

    Darling, your windows are tinted.

    December 11, 2022 at 10:40 am #18811
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    Thank you for sharing.  This is a powerful poem with some really wonderful moments.  I do think that the emotion, the sensibility you are trying to share, comes through beautifully.  I don’t have the time today, but would love to make some editing suggestions – point out a couple of typos – and, perhaps, once the poem finds its final self, publish it on a “Poem of the Week” post, after the New Year.  Also, it would be helpful, if you would resend to poetlady@earthlink.net and put in your own email address (which will remain private – if you only send as an email) so that I am reminded to work on it and, we have an easy back and forth conversation.

    This is really good work.  Have a beautiful, creative day.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

    December 12, 2022 at 9:54 am #18812
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    Comfort
    1 day ago

    If this be windows to your soul (Do you want multiple windows – or just one window to the soul?)

    Darling, your house is flooded,

    Cracks on the walls covered by portraits distract gazing eyes, (this is really strong – how about removing punctuation and letting the poem flow like a stream of consciousness?)

    A room once for your inner child, now darkened with your younger self hiding under the blanket,

    Hues of the paint losing its illuminance, (luminescence)

    Your door sealed with locks, none, not even the locksmiths could open, (I would leave it at none can open – and not include the locksmiths)

    Your tap drips timely, a gentle reminder of the leaks you have not fixed, (not sure what "tap drips timely" means)

    Floors soaked; how long can your house bare the weight? (bear – not bare)

    What once was a temple, now ravished by demons and lost souls… your lost soul.

    If this be windows to your soul (I would make it "the" window)

    Darling, your windows are tinted.

    I do love the way you slip in that "Darling"at the end – you might want to see if there are places where you feel you could "tighten" the poem as it seems to me it should be like a closed fist – it's tough and speaks with conviction. In poetry, less it more, so the tighter a poem, the more impact it has. Really well done, well written poem. I hope my few suggestions help. – Susan

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