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  • July 26, 2023 at 8:41 am #18141
    sunsnotstars
    Participant

    You have been a 19 year olds crush for almost a year now 

    and yet

    of all the dreams holding hands with her

    smiling 

    ‘I dont knows’ 

    with all the

    ‘some flings’

    in this

    world 

    she loves you.

    where by easy accidents 

    like falling in love with someone new everyday

    but by design 

    you are her destination 

    and she is on her way,

    a voyeuristic journey 

    of unsatisfying urges

    and peaking curiosities,

    woefully waiting and watching for a

    long 19 years

    of child imitating old woman

    looking deadly 

    with her hunger appeased

    never knowing peace like it

    and it could feel like forever,

    like how like never

    learns to love.

    It’s not how a 19 year old

    should

    love

    but its complicated;

    dreaming while living,

    the potential of that cold cup of coffee 

    waking up warm in the sunlight

    (in which you are the sun, 

    and the coffee)

    that those stars could be suns,

    and those sun’s galaxies, 

    and in a week the strange rotting imitating life once again

    so discreetly, 

    not exactly ceased,

    as they travel back again

    through time,

    it happens.

    She’s just beginning.

    yet everyone tells her

    its just a 19 year olds crush.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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    July 26, 2023 at 10:02 am #18857
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    Good morning and thank you for sharing your poem with me.  What I think is:  It is filled with emotions – struggling to understand themselves – it is filled with a kind of emotional awe at discovering how intensely one can feel – it is filled with some very fine lines:

    dreaming whilst living,  (dreaming while living)

    the potential of a cold cup of coffee (I would leave off
    the potential of” and just go with “a cold cup of coffee” – in poetry it is always better to give the reader a chance to interpret what you’re saying/feeling – rather than telling them)

    waking up warm in the sunlight  (I very much like this – becoming the sunlight – not sure about becoming the cup of coffee)

    (in which you are the sun,…)

    Emotions are messy, especially when they are in control – which it sounds like they are from the tone and intensity of the poem.  I think with a little work, editing, you will have a fine poem that expresses some very relatable emotions.  Again, thank you so much for sharing with me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

    July 26, 2023 at 11:23 am #18858
    sunsnotstars
    Participant

    Thank you for these comments! I don’t really share my poetry ( as I’m hoping to ‘release’ them one day in something even more artistic like into a arty film) but it’s always good to get extra insight especially from the wiser:) thanks again for your compliments nd your in depth comment – it has made my day. I’m glad you think it has potential. I’ll make those changes to my poem, and I’ll keep practicing!

    Also i see what you mean about the coffee line, I wanted to express the potential everything has. If a cup of coffee can be warm and cold thus it has – potential. It’s state is always changing. I was thinking of both the coffee and the sun as sort of being in everything and everywhere. It coffee has absorbed the sunlight and its now become that. Maybe I need a better metaphor:D 

    July 27, 2023 at 9:37 am #18859
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    I am always delighted to "meet" people who share my love of creative expression. In a world of darkness – the arts are the light. Please feel free to share at any time – I'm always happy to offer whatever insights I can. What your poem has is what poetry is all about – honest, heartfelt emotion. Wishing you a beautifully creative day, Susan

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