Reply To: Love's Satiety hath grew!

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for submitting your poem here in the Chat Room.  Let me start by saying, you have some lovely, lyrical, finely written lines in your poem.  I will reference some of them but first, there are some issues with grammar and tense in your poem.  Grammatically correct would be:  Loves Satiety has grown – or – Loves Satiety grew – “Which enbosom’s thou greatness, in beauty & in minds” “embosom’s is not a word in English – perhaps you meant “embodies?”  And “minds” need not be plural – just “mind” would work better, as, I assume, it is your “mind” we are talking about.  Again “finds” should be “find” – “

“Beyond horizons of death, we shall raise a cottage,

& fashion those walls, with erotic paintings long lost;

“Where scorpions won’t poison our pious tale of passion,

So no regret shall thrive, in heart’s (our hearts?)      LOVELY LINES

“Lavish art those eyes, O painted in hyacinth blue-”  VERY NICE

“Forbids what then thou, to glow beyond gloom,” THIS LINE IS CONFUSING

“Amour to the world, is this what concerns thou?

Then hear, O beloved,” In us love’s satiety hath grew”.” YOUR POEM DESERVES A CLEARER ENDING THAN THIS.  I AM A BIT CONFUSED BY THESE TWO LINES AND THIS IS WHERE THE POEM NEEDS TO MAKE ITS ULTIMATE STATEMENT.

I would be most happy to see your poem again, after you have had a chance to work on it and do some editing and grammatical corrections.  I am planning on doing a week, on my site, where I focus on love as the theme.  I will be happy to consider your poem for “Poem of the Week” for that week, after you’ve had a chance to edit it.

You have talent and you understand the intricacies and passion of poetry.  I am so impressed by your ability to write poetry in a second language.  Your poem just needs some tightening and correcting and I think it will be something you can be very, very proud of.  Thanks once again, for trusting me with your work, Susan