Reply To: My adventurous date.

[Susan Katz]

Once again, thank you for sharing your poetry with me.  I really like your opening stanza –  I would however, consider editing a bit to make it fit more concisely into the structure of poetry – see suggestions below:

The butter sun just shines,  (The butter sun shines)

Making its way along the clouds, (A better, more poetic word than “making” – prancing, dancing, leaping, sliding, ???)

I want to cuddle with this day,

Making my perfect path in this month, May! (Again “making” does not add anything to the beauty of language or impact of imagery – Discovering, finding, path-finding, and I don’t know if you need “in this month” – “Discovering my perfect path in May)

This stanza becomes more story than poem.  What we need are images for things like “adventures” – thrills -challenges – the last line is nice but, you do not need the exclamation mark – the words should tell us how much “warmth” there was.

My date boosts up with adventures,

A thrill to enjoy with my partner,

A challenge to participate with enthusiasm,

While holding hands, feeling each other’s warmth!

I would prefer if you would use another word for “date” – again, looking for an image or, simply say “he is an amusing wonder” – “experiencing what? under a clear sky”  And, I think you need a stronger ending with imagery that speaks to us in the voice of poetry. “I have no boundaries to ‘face” alone as …

My date is an amusing wonder,

To experience with him under the clear sky,

I have no boundaries to cross alone,

Since my partner would always come along!

Since I know you are serious about your poetry and are working to elevate your writing, I have given an honest critique, from my perspective.  This, however, is your work and please feel free to use or dismiss, my suggestions.

Wishing you a very creative day – your friend in poetry, Susan