Reply To: " maybe someday we can be"

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing your work with me.  There are some fine moments in your poem but, I believe you have to choose a rhythm and stick with it.  For example:

My eyes had met her before we first spoke as if destiny whispered and said “that’s the apple of your eye”  (I believe this is a good beginning but, would like to see it in the form that follows…- Our eyes met – we spoke as if destiny whispered – not sure about ‘apple of my eye’ a bit of a cliche – love how the next lines work – but again, try to keep your format – first hug she gave erotic – would leave off maybe emotions muddled… and from there would love to see you tighten the last stanza.)  There’s some good writing here and I would very much like to see this again when you’ve had a chance to do some editing.

I’m on the road the next few days and so there may be a delay in my responding, if you resubmit, but I will as soon as I have the time.

 

Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

The first look she gave… inimic

The first words I spoke… comedic

The first hug she gave, I felt erotic or maybe emotions muddled.

 

Reluctant to whatever encryption her essence was decrypting as if mines soul was coded with a message to say ” I….”

Ney too reluctant to accept it