Reply To: Hollow

[Susan Katz]

I’m sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your very intense and meaningful poem.  I did want to tell you that you have some very fine, very bold moments here, and your message comes through loud and clear.  What I would like to suggest (please see suggestions alongside the lines below) is that you spend less time on rhyming and more time composing lines like:

Didn’t grow from the kid I was,

Making paper planes and paper boats, (you don’t need the “and” – in poetry “less is more”)

Still, dance under the thunder clouds (take out “still” and just go with “dancing” under thunder clouds – love this line!)

And jump on puddles, (“jumping” – whenever possible put your lines in the present tense – it makes them more relatable and meaningful)

wherever I found (wherever found – take out “I”)

Still watch squirrels, and their merry play,  (“watching squirrels at their merry play)

And peep at sparrows from far away. (“peeping” at sparrows from far away_

Dazzled by the starry sky,

Listened to the sounds of night (“Listening” to…)

These are, of course, just suggestions but I do think your poem has great possibility and would love to see it again, after you’ve had a chance to edit it.  Thank you so very much for sharing your work with me, Susan