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  • July 12, 2021 at 9:54 am #17913
    Shabnam Ameen
    Participant

    It stares me blush,
    Over the appreciated task.
    It hears my scream,
    When I am shattered.
    It gazes my smile
    Upon the flattery words.
    It knows my conspired theory
    Against the hypocrites.
    It sees me exhausted
    At the motherhood age
    It leverages me up
    The moments I am broken.
    It makes me feel lively
    After the odd spent days.
    It’s aware of changes
    That my body adapts
    It still adores my beauty
    With a beautiful smile.

    And that’s the virtual ‘ME’

    July 13, 2021 at 8:37 am #18548
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    I really like the concept of your poem.  There are some lovely lines and some very meaningful moments in the poem.    I think you need to check some of the grammar and the meaning of words and how they interact with other words – for example:  ‘It gazes my smile” is not quite right.  My smile gazes back at me – would work – but the mirror can “reflect” your smile – “mirror” your smile – “echo” your smile but not “gazes” your smile.  Also, may I suggest you read your poem aloud trying to find the rhythm that works and in doing so, you may find there are a number of words you could remove from the poem, without damaging the meaning but, in the end, making the poem even more powerful.  I think you did a great job and really like this poem and where it takes the reader.  Thank you so very much for sharing it with me, Susan

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