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  • February 7, 2023 at 1:43 pm #18127
    Being_oasis
    Participant

     

    Bells have rung,

    Sun  now sets,

    Fades into the orange depths

    Cries I hear, silent roars

    Whispers brutal fill my core.

     

    It’s the heart, you must know

    Groaning pain it went through

    No sounds, mouth shut

    Didn’t let them hear

    Being the smile they would want to cheer

    Will they buy this façade?

    Or will barge in asking questions sour

     

    O’ you the friend

    Who could just see

    Things I should not to the bees

    Even though I tried to keep

    Worries that would otherwise peep

    But that simply gorgeous slip

    Did let you know my secret scars

    Did let you know that teary part

     

    Since you left for the open road

    To a big man in the mortal dorm

    To carve your name in the wild storm

    To be the kid your mum would want

    I know you cried, and I did too

    Treacherous world parted us in two.

     

    I still remember those cute days

    My stupid jokes, and your laughing face

    Hours of talk, and those summer race

    How I would beat you in your games

     

    Oh so far we’ve come along

    Distances between us have so much grown

    Now I sit with memories frail

    Penning voices, cannot inhale

    O’ heavenly string hold us close

    Let these tear drops fuel you more.

                                                                  -Mohammad Owais

    February 7, 2023 at 4:37 pm #18823
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    Thank you for sharing your poetry with me.  I am a little rushed today, so will spend some time with the poem tomorrow, and get back to you with comments and suggestions.  I would just say now, there are some fine moments in the poem and it is filled with a true and intense emotion, that the reader feels.  Thank you for sharing – more to come… Susan

    February 8, 2023 at 2:16 pm #18824
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    Sorry it took me a while to get back to this. I would like to offer a few suggestions that I think might elevate the flow, meaning, and emotional intensity of your poem. First, check your tenses and your grammar. There are some things in the poem that simply do not work because they are either the wrong tense or, they are grammatically incorrect.
    The following is an example of one possible way to edit your poem: (this slant line / indicates where I believe there should be a line break) BTW, I would remove punctuation and just let the poem flow…

    Bells have rung

    Sun now sets, (Sun sets fading/ into the orange depths of – what – the cloudless sky, the evening sky, the deepening sky???)

    Fades into the orange depths

    Cries I hear, silent roars (It is not clear what/who is crying – clarify that – I hear my cries roaring/ filling
    my core…}

    Whispers brutal fill my core.

    I think you need to bring the poem into the present tense and be sure to "fill out" your images – leaving, of course, something to our imagination but, painting pictures for us that we can see, feel, taste, touch, and smell. You have the substance of a very good poem here and I would be happy to see it again after you've had time to do some editing.
    Your friend in poetry, Susan

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