Dawn

[Being_oasis]

 

Bells have rung,

Sun  now sets,

Fades into the orange depths

Cries I hear, silent roars

Whispers brutal fill my core.

 

It’s the heart, you must know

Groaning pain it went through

No sounds, mouth shut

Didn’t let them hear

Being the smile they would want to cheer

Will they buy this façade?

Or will barge in asking questions sour

 

O’ you the friend

Who could just see

Things I should not to the bees

Even though I tried to keep

Worries that would otherwise peep

But that simply gorgeous slip

Did let you know my secret scars

Did let you know that teary part

 

Since you left for the open road

To a big man in the mortal dorm

To carve your name in the wild storm

To be the kid your mum would want

I know you cried, and I did too

Treacherous world parted us in two.

 

I still remember those cute days

My stupid jokes, and your laughing face

Hours of talk, and those summer race

How I would beat you in your games

 

Oh so far we’ve come along

Distances between us have so much grown

Now I sit with memories frail

Penning voices, cannot inhale

O’ heavenly string hold us close

Let these tear drops fuel you more.

                                                              -Mohammad Owais

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for sharing your poetry with me.  I am a little rushed today, so will spend some time with the poem tomorrow, and get back to you with comments and suggestions.  I would just say now, there are some fine moments in the poem and it is filled with a true and intense emotion, that the reader feels.  Thank you for sharing – more to come… Susan

[Susan Katz]

Sorry it took me a while to get back to this. I would like to offer a few suggestions that I think might elevate the flow, meaning, and emotional intensity of your poem. First, check your tenses and your grammar. There are some things in the poem that simply do not work because they are either the wrong tense or, they are grammatically incorrect.
The following is an example of one possible way to edit your poem: (this slant line / indicates where I believe there should be a line break) BTW, I would remove punctuation and just let the poem flow…

Bells have rung

Sun now sets, (Sun sets fading/ into the orange depths of – what – the cloudless sky, the evening sky, the deepening sky???)

Fades into the orange depths

Cries I hear, silent roars (It is not clear what/who is crying – clarify that – I hear my cries roaring/ filling
my core…}

Whispers brutal fill my core.

I think you need to bring the poem into the present tense and be sure to "fill out" your images – leaving, of course, something to our imagination but, painting pictures for us that we can see, feel, taste, touch, and smell. You have the substance of a very good poem here and I would be happy to see it again after you've had time to do some editing.
Your friend in poetry, Susan

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