Home › Forums › Poetry Talk › Poem inspired by your prompts “Dreams” from Lesson 73
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Susan Katz.
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AuthorPosts
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February 18, 2023 at 5:48 pm #18130
georgia_pearl
ParticipantDreams
Are a part of living
Fantasy fused with reality
Thoughts igniting reverie
Forming pictures in my mind
They make ordinary things shine
Everyday I look in wonder
And put pen to paper
Trying to bring to life
Colorful, vanishing vapors
Slipping away on a string
Of dreams
February 19, 2023 at 10:18 am #18832Susan Katz
KeymasterGood Sunday morning and thank you for sharing your poem with me, I’m delighted you were inspired to write it by a prompt on the site. The poem is well written and has some lovely moments. I will make a few suggestions (please feel free to ignore them) that address the poetic truth, that less is more. In other words, if a word is not absolutely necessary to the poem, don’t include it. See my suggestions below… BTW this / indicates a line break)
Dreams
Are a part of living (Remove “Are” – just go with Dreams / a part of living)
Fantasy fused with reality (fantasy fusing with reality)
Thoughts igniting reverie (thoughts igniting reverie forming /)
Forming pictures in my mind (perhaps another more visual word for pictures – like visions or illusions…)
They make ordinary things shine (making ordinary things/)
Everyday I look in wonder (shine I look in wonder)
And put pen to paper (put pen to paper)
Trying to bring to life (shepherding – conveying – fetching – to life colorful /)
Colorful, vanishing vapors ( vanishing vapors – colorful vanishing vapors slipping)
Slipping away on a string (away on a string)
Of dreams (of dreams…)
Very well done – just a thought – ditch the punctuation and the capitalization – just go with lower case – we don’t dream “grammatically” – we dream – poetically.
Would love to see it again, after you’ve had time to consider my edits and perhaps apply some of your own. I will be happy to feature it one day either as poem of the week, or in the Art in to Art section on my site.
Your friend in poetry,
Susan
February 19, 2023 at 6:00 pm #18833ParticipantI considered your suggestions and made some changes… I’m not familiar with some of the techniques or the reasoning behind them, but I want to learn more! Thanks so much for your time and help!! I’m so excited you would consider this one for a feature! Here it is again:
Dreams
a part of living
fantasy fused with reality
thoughts igniting reverie forming
imagery in my mind
they make ordinary things
shine I look in wonder
and put pen to paper
illuminating
colorful, vanishing vapors slipping
away on a string
of dreams…March 6, 2023 at 10:50 am #18842KeymasterVery nice. Please forgive the delay in my response – dealing with a fracture in my back making time at the computer difficult. Hoping to put this all behind me soon. In the meantime – good job. See below for just a couple more suggestions… And do send more when you get the chance – I would love to read your work, Susan
Dreams
a part of living
fantasy fused with reality (fusing with reality)
thoughts igniting reverie forming
imagery in my mind (images in my mind)
they make ordinary things (making ordinary things)
shine I look in wonder
and put pen to paper (don't need the "and")
illuminating
colorful, vanishing vapors slipping (colors instead of "coloring"?)
away on a string (Love your ending!)
of dreams… -
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Dreams
Are a part of living (Remove “Are” – just go with Dreams / a part of living)
Fantasy fused with reality (fantasy fusing with reality)
Thoughts igniting reverie (thoughts igniting reverie forming /)
Forming pictures in my mind (perhaps another more visual word for pictures – like visions or illusions…)
They make ordinary things shine (making ordinary things/)
Everyday I look in wonder (shine I look in wonder)
And put pen to paper (put pen to paper)
Trying to bring to life (shepherding – conveying – fetching – to life colorful /)
Colorful, vanishing vapors ( vanishing vapors – colorful vanishing vapors slipping)
Slipping away on a string (away on a string)
Of dreams (of dreams…)
Very well done – just a thought – ditch the punctuation and the capitalization – just go with lower case – we don’t dream “grammatically” – we dream – poetically.
Would love to see it again, after you’ve had time to consider my edits and perhaps apply some of your own. I will be happy to feature it one day either as poem of the week, or in the Art in to Art section on my site.
Your friend in poetry,
Susan