Poem inspired by your prompts “Dreams” from Lesson 73

[georgia_pearl]

Dreams 

Are a part of living 

Fantasy fused with reality 

Thoughts igniting reverie 

Forming pictures in my mind 

They make ordinary things shine 

Everyday I look in wonder 

And put pen to paper 

Trying to bring to life 

Colorful, vanishing vapors 

Slipping away on a string 

Of dreams 

[Susan Katz]

Good Sunday morning and thank you for sharing your poem with me,  I’m delighted you were inspired to write it by a prompt on the site.  The poem is well written and has some lovely moments.  I will make a few suggestions (please feel free to ignore them) that address the poetic truth, that less is more.  In other words, if a word is not absolutely necessary to the poem, don’t include it.  See my suggestions below…  BTW this / indicates a line break)

Dreams 

Are a part of living  (Remove “Are” – just go with Dreams / a part of living)

Fantasy fused with reality  (fantasy fusing with reality)

Thoughts igniting reverie (thoughts igniting reverie forming /)

Forming pictures in my mind (perhaps another more visual word for pictures – like visions or illusions…)

They make ordinary things shine (making ordinary things/)

Everyday I look in wonder (shine        I look in wonder)

And put pen to paper (put pen to paper)

Trying to bring to life (shepherding – conveying – fetching – to life colorful /)

Colorful, vanishing vapors ( vanishing vapors – colorful vanishing vapors slipping)

Slipping away on a string (away on a string)

Of dreams (of dreams…)

Very well done – just a thought – ditch the punctuation and the capitalization – just go with lower case – we don’t dream “grammatically” – we dream –  poetically.

Would love to see it again, after you’ve had time to consider my edits and perhaps apply some of your own.  I will be happy to feature it one day either as poem of the week, or in the Art in to Art section on my site.

Your friend in poetry,

Susan

 

 

[georgia_pearl]

I considered your suggestions and made some changes… I’m not familiar with some of the techniques or the reasoning behind them, but I want to learn more! Thanks so much for your time and help!! I’m so excited you would consider this one for a feature! Here it is again:

Dreams

a part of living
fantasy fused with reality
thoughts igniting reverie forming
imagery in my mind
they make ordinary things
shine I look in wonder
and put pen to paper
illuminating
colorful, vanishing vapors slipping
away on a string
of dreams…

[Susan Katz]

Very nice. Please forgive the delay in my response – dealing with a fracture in my back making time at the computer difficult. Hoping to put this all behind me soon. In the meantime – good job. See below for just a couple more suggestions… And do send more when you get the chance – I would love to read your work, Susan

Dreams

a part of living
fantasy fused with reality (fusing with reality)
thoughts igniting reverie forming
imagery in my mind (images in my mind)
they make ordinary things (making ordinary things)
shine I look in wonder
and put pen to paper (don't need the "and")
illuminating
colorful, vanishing vapors slipping (colors instead of "coloring"?)
away on a string (Love your ending!)
of dreams…

[Author]

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