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  • March 3, 2023 at 11:50 am #18134
    Being_oasis
    Participant

    Watch the sun, as it bows

    Fades into the evening gleam

    Sky screams a voice so loud

    Soul throbs to its every beat

    To some it is a mystic state

    To some a confusing prose

    I do not know what it is to me 

    Maybe one or maybe both

     

    Dead words mine make no sense

    Penning voices of my head

    Reminiscing those times bygone

    Come close, lend your soul

    Hear me tell feelings mine

    Before whispers vanish, and death arrives

     

    Heart that kept all secrets safe

    Is in throbbing pain cannot inhale

    All it craves is to shout so loud

    Unstring unhook disclose reveal

    What it hid from people known

     

    Yet the mind does not budge

    Does not fall for its sly traps

    All i beg is escape

    From constant battles of mind and heart

     

    O’ you the friend who could just see

    Things i showed not to the bees

    Even though i tried to keep 

    Worries that would otherwise peep

    But that simply gorgeous slip 

    Did let you know my secret scars 

    Did let you know that teary part 

     

    Ever since you left for the open road

    To be a big man in the mortal dorm

    To carve your name in the wild storm

    To be the kid your mum would want

    I know you cried and i did too

    Treacherous world parted us in two

     

    Oh so far we’ve come along 

    Distances between us have so much grown

    Heavenly string hold us close 

    Let my tear drops fuel you more

     

    I still ponder about those cute days

    My stupid jokes and your laughing face

    Hours of talk and those summer race

    How i would beat you at every game

     

    Now i sit with memories frail

    Traveller of this desolate mze

    Battles inside grows so loud

    Save me from this fire wild

    Mute i am, only teary smiles

    Mute i am, only teary smiles

    March 3, 2023 at 4:05 pm #18837
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    Thank you for submitting your emotional and well written poem.  I’m afraid today has been a bit hectic and I don’t want to give you just a quick response so, I will go over your poem tomorrow, in depth, and offer some suggestions.  You have some lovely lines and you have the emotional soul of a poet – that is both felt and understood.

    Thank you for sharing your work with me and, thank you for your patience, Susan

    March 4, 2023 at 1:26 pm #18838
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    Hello again. Since your poem is rather a long one, I will select one stanza and make some suggestions that, I believe. could be applied in the editing process, throughout the poem.

    First if all, in poetry, less is more -in other words if you don't absolutely need a word then don't use it. Also, be aware of grammar and other poetic possibilities (below…)

    Now i sit with memories frail (Don't need "now" – just "I sit…")

    Traveller of this desolate mze ("mze" is not a word – clarify – "traveler" not "traveller")

    Battles inside grows so loud (Is there another way to say this – more poetic – less words – like "Battles inside intensify… and then you have a nice little slant rhyme)

    Save me from this fire wild (How about breaking the line after "fire"creating a bit of enjambment…)

    Mute I am, only teary smiles (I would forget the punctuation and just create this in a free form style – letting the words run, one into the other,,,) (I wonder if here you might consider adding some words to create a kind of rhythm – ("Mute I am only tears /(line break) – I am only smiles…")

    Mute I am, only teary smiles ( And then perhaps, repeat for your ending – "I am only tear-streaked smiles…"

    I hope my few suggestions (and they are just that – please feel free to disregard them – are helpful.

    Your friend in poetry, Susan

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