Dawn

[Being_oasis]

Watch the sun, as it bows

Fades into the evening gleam

Sky screams a voice so loud

Soul throbs to its every beat

To some it is a mystic state

To some a confusing prose

I do not know what it is to me 

Maybe one or maybe both

 

Dead words mine make no sense

Penning voices of my head

Reminiscing those times bygone

Come close, lend your soul

Hear me tell feelings mine

Before whispers vanish, and death arrives

 

Heart that kept all secrets safe

Is in throbbing pain cannot inhale

All it craves is to shout so loud

Unstring unhook disclose reveal

What it hid from people known

 

Yet the mind does not budge

Does not fall for its sly traps

All i beg is escape

From constant battles of mind and heart

 

O’ you the friend who could just see

Things i showed not to the bees

Even though i tried to keep 

Worries that would otherwise peep

But that simply gorgeous slip 

Did let you know my secret scars 

Did let you know that teary part 

 

Ever since you left for the open road

To be a big man in the mortal dorm

To carve your name in the wild storm

To be the kid your mum would want

I know you cried and i did too

Treacherous world parted us in two

 

Oh so far we’ve come along 

Distances between us have so much grown

Heavenly string hold us close 

Let my tear drops fuel you more

 

I still ponder about those cute days

My stupid jokes and your laughing face

Hours of talk and those summer race

How i would beat you at every game

 

Now i sit with memories frail

Traveller of this desolate mze

Battles inside grows so loud

Save me from this fire wild

Mute i am, only teary smiles

Mute i am, only teary smiles

[Susan Katz]

Thank you for submitting your emotional and well written poem.  I’m afraid today has been a bit hectic and I don’t want to give you just a quick response so, I will go over your poem tomorrow, in depth, and offer some suggestions.  You have some lovely lines and you have the emotional soul of a poet – that is both felt and understood.

Thank you for sharing your work with me and, thank you for your patience, Susan

[Susan Katz]

Hello again. Since your poem is rather a long one, I will select one stanza and make some suggestions that, I believe. could be applied in the editing process, throughout the poem.

First if all, in poetry, less is more -in other words if you don't absolutely need a word then don't use it. Also, be aware of grammar and other poetic possibilities (below…)

Now i sit with memories frail (Don't need "now" – just "I sit…")

Traveller of this desolate mze ("mze" is not a word – clarify – "traveler" not "traveller")

Battles inside grows so loud (Is there another way to say this – more poetic – less words – like "Battles inside intensify… and then you have a nice little slant rhyme)

Save me from this fire wild (How about breaking the line after "fire"creating a bit of enjambment…)

Mute I am, only teary smiles (I would forget the punctuation and just create this in a free form style – letting the words run, one into the other,,,) (I wonder if here you might consider adding some words to create a kind of rhythm – ("Mute I am only tears /(line break) – I am only smiles…")

Mute I am, only teary smiles ( And then perhaps, repeat for your ending – "I am only tear-streaked smiles…"

I hope my few suggestions (and they are just that – please feel free to disregard them – are helpful.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

[Author]

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