New reply from Susan Katz
<p>Thank you for sharing your poem. I love your opening – "</p>
<p>Busy bee</p>
<p>Do you hear the ferocious sun?"</p>
<p>"hearing" the sun is a lovely concept.</p>
<p>If I were to make some editing suggestions, they would be to go through your poem and make sure your lines are all grammatically correct and that every word you use in the poem, is needed. In poetry, less is more. Also, while I'm sure the meaning is perfectly clear to you, I am finding it difficult to comprehend the true meaning of the poem. I think you have everything you need to craft a powerful and meaningful poem, it just needs some editing. I would be delighted to read it again, if you would like to resubmit after you've had time to work on it.</p>
<p>Your friend in poetry, Susan</p>
https://poetladykatz.com/poetry-talk/8917
Original Post by Sarah01
——-
<p style="text-align: left;">Busy bee</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Do you hear the ferocious sun?</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">You must.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">I wake up and</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">I already sprint and run.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Did you sneak a peek, bee?</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">If you haven't,</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">The birds won't sing.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: left;">I lie and i lie, for your sake-</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">The cottage is stunted,</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Is hidden from death-</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: left;">He banged my door, yesterday bee</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">He blew my candles with all his force-</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">And i looked at his veins</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">They didn't flinch,</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">They were and bags and heaps</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Of blood, cold</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: left;">I was scared, little bee</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">The police didn't take a note-</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">I told them he was right there</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">By the creepers and the vines</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">They didn't know, didn't see-</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">I fell back to sleep</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Morning, my little bee</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Are you cold?</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">Go outside bee</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">I mustn't give you up</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> -sarah </p>
<p style="padding-left: 40px;"> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>(P.s. does this poem even make sense. I don't know. I just noticed someone literally wrote a bee poem.. i wrote this a while back tho. It's wonderful how we find inspiration in little things..) 🙂</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>