New reply from Susan Katz
<p>Thank you for sharing your very intensely emotional poem with me. I get it, I think, until the last line and then, I get a bit confused. Please see some suggestions below: </p>
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<p>Drink, sip on the liquor,</p>
<p>Lips on its circular shape ,</p>
<p>It's when your eyes seem heavy that you speak truth, (Don't need "It's)</p>
<p>You don't like my hair, it's too long you say, (Don't like my hair too long )</p>
<p>My voice too soft to cheer you up, (My voice too soft)</p>
<p>My shape uneven so it turns you off, </p>
<p>Not loose enough to have fun, I shouldn't worry about that girl, (This is two lines, I believe)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sober,your eyes fully open, </p>
<p>I cut my hair made it shorter, (If you "cut your hair" you don't need to tell us you made it shorter)</p>
<p>I spoke with more sass and bass in my voice, (….more sass more bass)</p>
<p>Lost the fat you called uneven, </p>
<p>Got loose and had more fun,</p>
<p>And now you worry about that boy (? Do not get this line.)</p>
<p>You did a really good job with this poem. Ir's tight but, I think it could be tighter and flow more dramatically. I really would love to see it again, once you've had a chance to work on it a bit. Thank you for trusting me with your work. Your friend in poetry, Susan</p>
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https://poetladykatz.com/poetry-talk/sober
Original Post by Comfort
Sober
<p>Drink, sip on the liquor,</p>
<p>Lips on its circular shape ,</p>
<p>It's when your eyes seem heavy that you speak truth,</p>
<p>You don't like my hair, it's too long you say,</p>
<p>My voice too soft to cheer you up, </p>
<p>My shape uneven so it turns you off,</p>
<p>Not loose enough to have fun, I shouldn't worry about that girl, </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sober,your eyes fully open, </p>
<p>I cut my hair made it shorter,</p>
<p>I spoke with more sass and bass in my voice,</p>
<p>Lost the fat you called uneven, </p>
<p>Got loose and had more fun,</p>
<p>And now you worry about that boy</p>