New comment from Being_oasis
Thank you so much for reading my poem and giving such intricate details, i have been submitting poems on your page since a year and your teachings have helped me improve a lot. I did the necessary corrections you asked for. Hope you like it.
Ps: really looking forward to learn more about poetry from you.
tysm 🙂
https://poetladykatz.com/poetry-talk/hollow
Original Post by Being_oasis
Hollow
<p>Clouds up above my head,</p>
<p>As I walk down the moonlit lane,</p>
<p>Gentle wind carrying on its back,</p>
<p>Squeaks, chirps, silent laughs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hands tucked deep inside,</p>
<p>Eyes bowed down, saddened mind</p>
<p>Mundane thoughts in my head</p>
<p>Stupid emotional distress</p>
<p>Feelings hidden from the world,</p>
<p>Came barging in, no answers learned.</p>
<p>Some questions they did propose,</p>
<p>Answers were two drops alone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Friends I had quite a few,</p>
<p>Left now none, it’s just me and you,</p>
<p>Who is the other, you might wonder?</p>
<p>Mind and heart blown asunder</p>
<p>Being clumsy to cure the gloom inside,</p>
<p>Behind that smile is a crying child,</p>
<p>Why so sad? Can’t really tell!</p>
<p>You might relate, if you knew well</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Didn’t grow from the kid I was,</p>
<p>Making paper planes, paper boats,</p>
<p>Dancing under the thunder clouds,</p>
<p>Jumping on puddles, wherever found,</p>
<p>Watching squirrels, at their merry play,</p>
<p>Peeping at sparrows from far away.</p>
<p>Dazzled by the starry sky,</p>
<p>Listening to the sounds of night</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No idea, why am I still</p>
<p>Whether is it a curse, or is it chill</p>
<p>To be a child in an adult build</p>
<p>To be a child in an adult build</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Walked past some passerby</p>
<p>Smiles exchanged, no replies</p>
<p>Eyes conversed that lips could not</p>
<p>Forgot the gloom, happy thoughts</p>
<p>Strangers we were all along</p>
<p>Travelers having tea at dawn</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fall of night, taking place</p>
<p>Walking under good moon’s gaze</p>
<p>Lost am I In this world?</p>
<p>Or All of it is just a blur</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Life and its complexities</p>
<p>Cannot really comprehend</p>
<p>Pray to be anything else</p>
<p>Just not a zombie of the adult realm</p>
<p>Just not a zombie of the adult realm</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<div class="wps_wp_editor_quote"> </div>
<p>:-Mohammad Owais</p>
comment made on…
<p>I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your very intense and meaningful poem. I did want to tell you that you have some very fine, very bold moments here, and your message comes through loud and clear. What I would like to suggest (please see suggestions alongside the lines below) is that you spend less time on rhyming and more time composing lines like:</p>
<p>Didn’t grow from the kid I was,</p>
<p>Making paper planes and paper boats, (you don't need the "and" – in poetry "less is more")</p>
<p>Still, dance under the thunder clouds (take out "still" and just go with "dancing" under thunder clouds – love this line!)</p>
<p>And jump on puddles, ("jumping" – whenever possible put your lines in the present tense – it makes them more relatable and meaningful)</p>
<p>wherever I found (wherever found – take out "I")</p>
<p>Still watch squirrels, and their merry play, ("watching squirrels at their merry play)</p>
<p>And peep at sparrows from far away. ("peeping" at sparrows from far away_</p>
<p>Dazzled by the starry sky,</p>
<p>Listened to the sounds of night ("Listening" to…)</p>
<p>These are, of course, just suggestions but I do think your poem has great possibility and would love to see it again, after you've had a chance to edit it. Thank you so very much for sharing your work with me, Susan</p>
<p> </p>