New comment from Jagruti Bajaj
Thank you for your suggestions I will definitely take it in a positive way..
https://poetladykatz.com/poetry-talk/journey
Original Post by Jagruti Bajaj
Journey
<p>Driving through the long journey</p>
<p>To see the dusk wrapping the sun</p>
<p>To give way for the </p>
<p>vibrant moon</p>
<p>Is what a God creation is….</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The stretch of golden canvas </p>
<p>With a touch of colours cloud has</p>
<p>Just roaming like if it wants to cover the journey</p>
<p>Is what a God creation is…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The touch of golden rays on those traveller</p>
<p>Makes it more attractive to capture</p>
<p>And me as a poet keep on thinking</p>
<p>Is what God creation is…</p>
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<p>Good morning and thank you for sharing your poem with me. You have some beautiful lines and the mood and flow of the poem is lovely. I do think you could tighten it and add to the rhythmic flow of the poem and I've made a few suggestions alongside the lines, below.</p>
<p>The suggestions are just that – please consider them or reject them as you feel best – there are, as I've said, some very moving and meaningful moments in this poem and I am delighted you shared it with me.</p>
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<p>Your friend in poetry, Susan</p>
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<p>Driving through the long journey</p>
<p>To see the dusk wrapping the sun (would omit "the") </p>
<p>To give way for the (I think you might want to extend the image of the line before…"To see dusk wrapping the sun / in shadows making way for the vibrant moon…")</p>
<p>vibrant moon</p>
<p>Is what a God creation is….</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The stretch of golden canvas </p>
<p>With a touch of colours cloud has (touched by a "rainbow" or other descriptive word here – of colors) (clouds roam as if they want to cover – not sure what 'the journey" means in this context)</p>
<p>Just roaming like if it wants to cover the journey</p>
<p>Is what a God creation is…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The touch of golden rays on those traveller (Golden rays touch travelers / capturing what? – as a poet I keep thinking this / is what God's creation is)</p>
<p>Makes it more attractive to capture</p>
<p>And me as a poet keep on thinking</p>
<p>Is what God creation is…</p>
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