Poet Lady Katz: new forum reply to Take your part of love

New reply from Susan Katz

<p>Very nicely done.  A strong image that works throughout and I do like your title.  I do think your poem would benefit from tightening – removing unnecessary words, for example:  Do you need (a new) fire – words like "now" and "and" are standing in the way of the flow of the poem – and check your tenses – many of them are grammatically incorrect.  Sorry to be so critical – I only do so when I feel there is really possibility and talent.  I would invite you to rewrite your poem – rethink it in terms of rhythm and also fool around a bit with where you end your lines – that sometimes makes a huge difference in the way we read your poem – and thus, what we get out of your poem.  Truly, well done – love to see it again, after editing.  Your friend in poetry, Susan</p>


Original Post by Aviana

Take your part of love

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<p>I'd look up at the moon<br />And you'd look me in my eyes,<br />And I would feel <br />As if the moonlight lit the ocean.<br />Oh! And when you'd smile!<br />The waves would catch a new fire.</p>
<p>Now the moon reminds me of you,<br />and the ocean too.<br />And I tell you!<br />If even today the night sky remind you of me,<br />Ah! The ocean awaits you!<br />and the waves are still burning.<br />Your part of love still exists in me,<br />Though alone,<br />Yet unmoved.</p>
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