Poet Lady Katz: new forum reply to Waiting

New reply from Susan Katz

Good morning, Riya. First, let me answer your question about stanza breaks and when to move from one stanza to another. A stanza break may be used for dramatic effect or because we are changing our thought or direction or, simply because the rhythm of the poem demands that we create a space, a rest, if you will, before moving on to the next line and thought. Experiment with it and see where your poem takes you.
There is much about this poem that I like very much and that rises to a high level of poetry. There are also times when the poem slips into a kind of "telling" rather than showing us, making us feel, insisting we become part of the poem. Please see my suggestions below. (And remember, they are only suggestions, the poem and how it finally finds its completed way onto the page, is entirely up to you.)
<div id="wps_initial_post" class="wps_forum_post_new">
<div class="wps_forum_post_comment">
<div class="wps_forum_post_comment_content">
<div class="wps_forum_item_content">
I was waiting for you (waiting for you / (this / indicates suggested line break) 
from dusk till dawn 
my skin longing for the (skin longing…) 
warmth of your light ("warmth of your light" is a bit vague and also, a bit overused – is there a better way to say this – one that tells us what the "warmth" does/means to you?) 
the intimacy of your (don't need "the" – also, there is a technique in poetry called "enjambment" and there is an opportunity for you to use it here. Enjambment is when you end a line where it suggests one meaning but, when you connect it to the next line, it takes on a new or more powerful meaning. So I would do the following" "the intimacy of your eyes / upon me" – also, I would suggest another way of saying "upon me" – "the intimacy of your eyes / touching – caressing – tasting – stroking, etc. And maybe "me" becomes "my skin" "my soul" "my body"…) 
eyes upon me
to emmerse in its depth (Immersed in their depths) 
of beauty which (this is enjambment – "immersed in their depths / of beauty which..) 
sparkled my heart (more then "sparkled?" – "inflamed" "captured" "embraced"…) 
and pumped its glow (has to be a better way to say this – though the idea, the feeling is wonderful. This is almost too "clinical" while needing to be more romantic, more intense. Example: ""Inflamed my heart / unleashing its glow / flowing into my veins." 
into my veins
 but (I would leave this out and just do a stanza break and move on_ 
you never returned 
as I stood there (don't need "there") 
drenched in rain (warm rain – cold rain – soft rain – hard rain?) 
cherry blossoms, dust, (no commas – just leave spaces – three to five – depending on how long you want the reader to pause) 
maples and snow flakes (cherry blossoms and dust then maples and snow flakes seems like you were standing a very, very long time. I get what you're trying to say – the permanent feel of the leaving – but I would choose one or the other. If you choose to use them both, I would find something else to go with snowflakes – like cold winds, for example) 
patience took pity ( this stanza is a little "talky" – could use more feeling, more images and less "telling.") 
turned me into
a graffiti captioned 
'lover turned loner' (I like this. You don't need to put it into quotes unless it is someone else's line.) 
 but (I'd leave out the "but" – that's for story tellers, not poets) 
still I wander (this stanza I find a bit confusing. Not sure what "wandering around your graffiti for 101 years means. Don't know what a "lowkey ghost" is and again, you are telling us rather than showing us through imagery and emotion.) 
round my graffiti
it's 101 years
since I started being called
a lowkey ghost with 
an untold story
lost long ago
crippled in the hands 
of reaper while
waiting for you.
</div>
Again, thank you so much for trusting me with your work. A poem is a very intimate and emotional thing and placing it into the hands of another, requires trust. I am grateful for your belief in me. Your friend in poetry, Susan
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div id="wps_forum_comment_div">
<div id="wps_forum_comment_form"><form id="wps_forum_comment_theuploadform" enctype="multipart/form-data">
<div id="wps_forum_comment_content_label"> </div>
<div>
<div id="wp-wps_forum_comment-wrap" class="wp-core-ui wp-editor-wrap tmce-active">
<div id="wp-wps_forum_comment-editor-tools" class="wp-editor-tools hide-if-no-js">
<div class="wp-editor-tabs"> </div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</form></div>
</div>

https://poetladykatz.com/poetry-talk/waiting-2

Original Post by Riya Jaiswal

Waiting

I was waiting for you
from dusk till dawn 
my skin longing for the 
warmth of your light
the intimacy of your 
eyes upon me
to emmerse in its depth
of beauty which 
sparkled my heart
and pumped its glow
into my veins
 
 but
 
you never returned 
as I stood there
drenched in rain
cherry blossoms, dust,
maples and snow flakes
patience took pity
turned me into
a graffiti captioned 
'lover turned loner'
 
 but
 
still I wander
round my graffiti
it's 101 years
since I started being called
a lowkey ghost with 
an untold story
lost long ago
crippled in the hands 
of reaper while
waiting for you.