Reply To: Her beautiful red hair!

[Susan Katz]

Thank you Swetha, for yet another heartfelt poem.  There are, I would suggest, quite a few issues, once again with English word usage and grammar – for example:

Her red hair,

Just blew in a breeze, (you don’t need “just” Her red hair / blew in a breeze – in poetry, less is more!)

Shining magnificently like stars,  (how about a descriptive word instead of ‘magnificently”  Shining boldly/softly/brightly/brilliantly…)

In the vast sky without seize! (“without seize” has no meaning in English – are you trying to say “freely” or without being constrained?)

 

Every stroke of her hair,  (Are you touching her hair?  To stroke is to touch)

Is a sight with pleasure, (Is it a sight or is it something you feel with your hand/with your skin?)

And do not flicker,  (These two lines do not mean anything understandable in English – rethink and rewrite what it is you want you to know/to see/to feel)

To measure like a treasure!

 

Sometimes in jealous, (Sometimes I’m jealous – in jealous is incorrect)

Over the astounding hair,  (her astounding hair – his astounding hair)

Sometimes in a daze,

Due to the disappearance of ebony hair!  (Not sure what these two lines mean – disappearance of whose hair – we get a bit confused here as to who you are talking about.)

 

Oh, what an enchanting feeling,

That makes my heart to flutter, (making my heart flutter)

I am no longer hesitant,

To accept it as my blissful moment! (Again, this is confusing because we don’t understand what the moment is exactly – you were writing about hair – hair is not a moment – it is something you saw and something that touched you – we need to understand that.)

-Swetha.