Thank you Swetha, for yet another heartfelt poem. There are, I would suggest, quite a few issues, once again with English word usage and grammar – for example:
Her red hair,
Just blew in a breeze, (you don’t need “just” Her red hair / blew in a breeze – in poetry, less is more!)
Shining magnificently like stars, (how about a descriptive word instead of ‘magnificently” Shining boldly/softly/brightly/brilliantly…)
In the vast sky without seize! (“without seize” has no meaning in English – are you trying to say “freely” or without being constrained?)
Every stroke of her hair, (Are you touching her hair? To stroke is to touch)
Is a sight with pleasure, (Is it a sight or is it something you feel with your hand/with your skin?)
And do not flicker, (These two lines do not mean anything understandable in English – rethink and rewrite what it is you want you to know/to see/to feel)
To measure like a treasure!
Sometimes in jealous, (Sometimes I’m jealous – in jealous is incorrect)
Over the astounding hair, (her astounding hair – his astounding hair)
Sometimes in a daze,
Due to the disappearance of ebony hair! (Not sure what these two lines mean – disappearance of whose hair – we get a bit confused here as to who you are talking about.)
Oh, what an enchanting feeling,
That makes my heart to flutter, (making my heart flutter)
I am no longer hesitant,
To accept it as my blissful moment! (Again, this is confusing because we don’t understand what the moment is exactly – you were writing about hair – hair is not a moment – it is something you saw and something that touched you – we need to understand that.)
-Swetha.
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