Reply To: Dawn

[Susan Katz]

Sorry it took me a while to get back to this. I would like to offer a few suggestions that I think might elevate the flow, meaning, and emotional intensity of your poem. First, check your tenses and your grammar. There are some things in the poem that simply do not work because they are either the wrong tense or, they are grammatically incorrect.
The following is an example of one possible way to edit your poem: (this slant line / indicates where I believe there should be a line break) BTW, I would remove punctuation and just let the poem flow…

Bells have rung

Sun now sets, (Sun sets fading/ into the orange depths of – what – the cloudless sky, the evening sky, the deepening sky???)

Fades into the orange depths

Cries I hear, silent roars (It is not clear what/who is crying – clarify that – I hear my cries roaring/ filling
my core…}

Whispers brutal fill my core.

I think you need to bring the poem into the present tense and be sure to "fill out" your images – leaving, of course, something to our imagination but, painting pictures for us that we can see, feel, taste, touch, and smell. You have the substance of a very good poem here and I would be happy to see it again after you've had time to do some editing.
Your friend in poetry, Susan