There are some absolutely wonderful moments in your poem! Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I do, as I always do, have a few suggestions that I think might tighten and make clearer, certain moments in your poem.
Wouldn’t change a word of the following, though you might consider using spacing as a way of separating one thought from another or, creating a more dramatic affect.
Soft heat like little feet dancing on beach go-ers, (I tjhink “goers” is one word – not hyphenated)
On curved moon carved hands
On coin chasers by the car park
On children of concrete jungle
Even on those who flee solid roof for uncertain sky : (love this)
Sun stomps with high heels
Parties on skin with care free moves
On them who love Day…
for he brings prey(not sure what this means)
Hate Sun for being heartless in his torture
On them who love Night for she brings shade (This should be “torture ‘of” them not “on” them)
Hate Night for under Moon they become prey ( I would not use “prey” twice and, I’m not sure it works the first time – better here)
Sun’s beat like heart shall never stop till his olden days (not sure what this means – “shall never stop till olden days…” I would like a sharper, tighter, clearer ending to what is, a really fine poem.)
I hope you’ll resend, and I will definitely consider for a Featured Poem of the Week publication on my website.
Write on – Susan
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