My Destiny

[Candice]

Dreams within hoping to be true

Reaching the skies so blue

The reason for this

Is the secret of bliss.

To fly so high flapping my wings

Into the deep sinking sea

I recall how I rose up

Amidst all the barriers

And trials immense.

All I wanted and ought to be,

Surprising it turned out to be.

Nothing but my destiny.

 

The journey was too long

So, exhausting to carry along

My never-ending burdens

Dissatisfaction maybe

Each time I persevere

With dedication and sincerity.

I get to know it’s incomplete

And room for improvement.

All I needed is guidance

For what was right and just.

That’s the motivation

That carved my destiny.

[Susan Katz]

You’ve made some great changes.  One thing I would suggest is that you “tell” us less and make us “feel” more by using imagery. For example:  ‘So exhausting to carry along/my never-ending burdens…”  This could become an image – “my burdens/ a sack of rocks/ heavy on my shoulders…”  You have some wonderful and meaningful lines and your message is clear – just try to see where you could use a powerful metaphor or simile.  I encourage you to keep working on your poem as I think it has great potential.  I congratulate you on the progress you’ve made and look forward to seeing more of this poem, and other work, in the future.  Your friend in poetry,

Susan

[Author]

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