Pareidolia

[suchitralata]

At the crossing

Which runs east west

I merge with the south north

Yet quite apart.

Green smiles along the blue

The sun mints a coin

Called the moon

Miss or missus

Scars which are kisses

Have inverted myself

Into a riddle of metaphors

Invented an illusory phoenix

Out of whimsical restlessness.

Read the silence in between

Heartbeats,

The lows and highs

Of the graph

And made a body

Shaped out of the stars.

Again I ask for star readings.

Amnesia starts early

My shadow sees

Storms in every sky

And every once in a while

I see the lightning answer

 

[Susan Katz]

You are, truly, one amazingly talented lady – and, your talents spill like sunlight into the wide world of art, into all its many landscapes.  I bear witness to your “art on canvas” talent, and will see it every day, once we hang your stirring painting in our great room.  I have listened to (and saw) your music video and now, you have sent a poem that is truly exceptional in its message, in its imagery, in its poetic value.  Let me expand on that and offer a few simple suggestions:

There is an almost hypnotic flow that invites us into the poem – a rhythm – a word dance that we want to be part of.  There are, however, some moments when trimming a word or two would, I think, tighten the poem and contribute to the musical quality of the lines.  Some examples: 

Green smiles along the blue

The sun mints a coin (I would remove “the” and just go from “blue” to “sun”)

Heartbeats,

Of the graph

And made a body ( I would go with “making” instead of “and made”)

Shaped out of the stars. (again – take out “the” shaped out of stars…)

Finally, I would suggest, in going with the flow of contemporary poetry, you don’t use punctuation and capitalization – this is a thought that has found its way into words on paper – we don’t punctuate or capitalize our thoughts – and I think this extraordinary poem would benefit from that.  Another thought – line break – there is a poetic device called “enjambment” when a line of poetry ends, meaning one thing but, when connected to the next line, means something else.  You have moments where you could play, successfully, with that it your poem.

Thank you for sharing – I will definitely be considering your poem for Featured Poem of the Month for December.  I have found a bright and shining creative star – a world away but, one that speaks to me as though we were sitting together, sharing a glass of wine.

Your friend in poetry and in all things creative, Susan

[suchitralata]

Thank you for reading my poem! 😊 and for all the suggestions. Should I make the changes and submit again? Not sure about the process?

To add, (from my PC now), am as ever humbled and honoured by your reaction to my art and grateful for your help in fine-tuning the poem. I see how crisp and flowing it will get with those changes! Regarding enjambement, my studies came back to me. Strange how theory does not always stay during moments of creativity!

I think we met on Instagram since I posted a poem with one of my watercolours! Looks like it was so meant to be!

Warmest thoughts

Suchitra

[Author]

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