So sorry for the delay in getting back to you. Been a hectic couple of days.
First, thank you for sharing your work with me. Your poem, has a certain power to it – an edgy quality that I really like. It is, I believe, more than an “OK” poem.
I do have a few suggestions for possible edits – see below:
Run, run, run (Is it “run” or “running”?)
With my vision blurred (vision blurred)
Teary eyed
Run and hide in motion (Don’t know if you need “run” again – remember, that in poetry, less is more – if you can say something in two words – don’t use four…) (Perhaps the line might work as “hiding in motion…”)
Oh when did it all go sideways ( can you find a quicker, more powerful way to say this – “falling sideways…”)
My skin is intact and my insides are twisted (“Skin in tact insides twisted)
I’m arranged in disarray (this is great! – but, do you need “I’m”)
I’ll hold my lungs (“holding my lungs”)
And watch my legs crumble (“watching my legs crumble”)
And as I move
And hope to disappear (“hoping to disappear”)
I’ll do it all alone. (“I’m doing it alone”)
You’ve said it all – and we feel what you’re telling us – these suggestions (just suggestions – feel free to disregard) are intended to confine the poem to the rules of poetry. Well done and again, thank you so much for sharing with me, Your friend in poetry, Susan
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