Interesting and intriguing little poem – thank you so much for sharing. While I have, on occasion, railed against rhyme – I think it works here. I might, if I were you, delete the punctuation and just let the words run together. I think it would work – kind of a “thought” that forms in the mind. We don’t punctuate those. I will definitely be considering your poem as one of the ones I will be featuring in the next week or two, on my Instagram page. I invite you to think about the punctuation and let me know. Either way, I will consider it, as mentioned before. Your friend in poetry, Susan
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