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  • #17890
    Candice
    Participant

    #Rhyme is fine – just not all the time!

    Wander, wander, in search of truth

    Coming closer to the brook,

    While waves that slipped and swept away

    Brushing my memories, mindless moves

    Drawing together from pillar to post

    Stayed calm all along, I’m here to stay!

    #18522
    Susan Katz
    Keymaster

    Hi Candice.  Thank you for submitting your poem and for not rhyming all the time!  I like the poem and think you have done a good job of working with the image of water – however, brooks don’t really have waves so maybe, you are “closer to the” (sea) than the brook.  I’m not sure “brush” is the best word when combined with waves – though I very much like the image you are going for.  Two other suggestions (and I’m only making them because I think you have some fine potential) is that you have mixed metaphors – water brushing and pillar to post – water may go from shore to shore, or from side to side but I don’t get the “pillar/post” reference.  The other thing I believe you need to address is the tense you are using – is it in the present or the past?  “Stay calm” or “stayed calm” – either way, you should maintain the same tense throughout this short and very meaningful poem.  I am grateful for your interest in poetladykatz and hope I have been helpful to you, with these suggestions.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

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