When the clock strikes 2 again

[Sarah01]

The flowers in my room bleed out          rouge de red

musing its ethos by the bedside scoffs 

Regret with vixen eyes and smile vile 

Rots in my mouth a taste of insignificant,

Clueless asked past omniscient

did we matter/ 

do you remember or not

We press them over our hearts like an emblem- our identity, the cards

The perpetual hour and the pain of mistakes gambled singlehand 

What are vices?

Our Regrets wed in brothel- sculpted from hardcore marble 

and basked in Styx were these wounds 

So disbarred and coiled up without rampart

Can I call your conduct caprice? 

Sparken your parlour tricks if you may 

But don’t dare break my heart

                                 ~ Sarah 

I have submitted a few poems over the years. But I am unsure and unable to judge what I wrote here. I will deeply appreciate a honest review. Thank you Susan. 

 

                  

[Susan Katz]

Good morning, Sarah,

I’m sorry for the delay in getting this email to you – it’s been a busy few days.

Your poem has power, poetic integrity, and passion – having said that, I believe it needs to be reigned in a bit.  We need to be able to understand the poem – not only in its entirety – but in the moment – in the line and the way the line connects to the next line.  For example: 

“The flowers in my room bleed out rouge de red

musing its ethos by the bedside scoffs

Regret with vixen eyes and smile vile…”

The first line is great but then the second line doesn’t seem to connect us to where we just were – are the flowers “its-ethos?”  If so, it doesn’t seem to offer us a coherent connection.  Do the flowers scoff?  Whose “vixen eyes and smile vile…?”  I think your language and your imagery is fabulous – poetic and definitely powerful but, we need coherence so that we can follow along on your poetic journey.

What I would suggest (it always works for me) is to back off for a day or two – then go back and read the poem and find the essence of it – the message – the emotion and try to take those great lines and mold them a bit more softly to the lines that follow – read it and ask yourself – if you hadn’t written it – would you understand it – feel it – connect to it.

You have a powerful voice – now you need to call on the studious poet to turn passion and possibility into the power of poetry – poetry we can share emotionally with you.

I hope this helps, Susan

[Author]

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