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An Ode to my mother! (1 reply)

Tiny glowing star
3 weeks ago
Tiny glowing star 3 weeks ago

An Ode to my mother!

 

Oh, what an exquisite comfort,

That I could feel without a pain!

You are my only trumpet,

To blow away my concerns in a blissful rain!

 

Being fetched like a fish,

During nightmares of my worst times,

Made my heart to wish,

The longest lifetime to cherish without lies!

 

I grew and still grow,

Under your guidance to fight, mother!

I am not an amateur to throw,

These wonderful times like a thunder!

 

- Swetha.

 

 

Susan Katz
3 weeks ago
Susan Katz 3 weeks ago

Good morning, Swetha.  What a lovely tribute to your mother.  There is so much love and respect here.  I am traveling today and will only have time for a brief summary of suggestions for your loving poem.  I would like for you to work on it and resubmit - as June is "Love Month" at poetladykatz and perhaps, we can use your poem, when it is finalized, for the poem of the week.  Again, thank you for sharing your work with me, Susan 

See some suggestions below.

Oh, what an exquisite comfort,  ( These two lines could be shortened - to - Oh, what exquisite comfort I feel/with no pain/like a trumpet you blow away/my concerns in blissful... "rain" - doesn't work because a trumpet doesn't blow "rain" - it could be "music" "melody" "song" "harmony " something that is connected to a trumpet.  And don't worry about the rhyme - just concentrate on the meaning.)

That I could feel without a pain!

You are my only trumpet,

To blow away my concerns in a blissful rain!

 

Being fetched like a fish, (This stanza needs a little rewriting in order for it to be clear in English - example:  Caught like a fish/ during nightmarish times/made my heart wish/ for a lifetime to cherish/ without the (need a word or image here to clarify "lies" - without the pain of lies/ the sting of lies/ the wound of lies...)

During nightmares of my worst times,

Made my heart to wish,

The longest lifetime to cherish without lies!

 

I grew and still grow,

Under your guidance to fight, mother!

I am not an amateur to throw,

These wonderful times like a thunder!

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