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Cleaning service (1 reply)

Comfort
2 months ago
Comfort 2 months ago

Help! Help!
My walls have been stained again,
Graffiti gripping onto my white walls,
Halls echo with graffiti of my mother's screams smeared with tears of son when thoughts would drown...
Crown of thorns decorate my father, my savior as he laid facing death brought onto him by one's he'd saved.
Depression splattered, each spot a scent of emotional carnage trying to embody all.

Help!

And as swift as lightning touched Midgard, they arrived before tear shed
No time spared as they covered my walls with white again

Once done, like always, one question asked,
To why I always held the spray cans like killer held gun aimed at his only victim... himself

Susan Katz
2 months ago
Susan Katz 2 months ago

Thank you for sharing this very emotional, vivid poem with me.  If I were to make a suggestion, it would be one: tighten the poem by eliminating words that are not necessary or that are repetitive and two: check you grammar.  There are some moments when you might be able to use a better word, one that translates better into English. 

Help! Help!
My walls have been stained again,
Graffiti gripping onto my white walls,  (suggest you use "grips" my white walls)
Halls echo with graffiti of my mother's screams smeared with tears of son when (nice rhyme here with walls and halls) (her son's tears - thoughts drowning)

thoughts would drown... (I would leave a space here before starting a new stanza)

Crown of thorns decorate my father, my savior as he laid facing death brought onto him by one's he'd saved. (A crown of thorns decorates my father, my savoir as he lays facing death - I would suggest you find a clearer way of saying - "brought on to him by ones he saved" - this is a little awkward and confusing)
Depression splattered, (nice) each spot a scent of emotional carnage trying to embody all. (each stain - instead of each spot?  the rest of the line is confusing to me)

Help! (don't know if you need this as your whole poem seems to be a cry for help.)

And as swift as lightning touched Midgard, they arrived before tear shed (more tears were shed?)
No time spared as they covered my walls with white again  (One word to say "no time spared"?)  (another word for "covered" more visual - like painted or lit or...)

Once done, like always, one question asked,  (who asks the question?  I ask - she asks - they ask?)

To why I always held the spray cans like killer held gun aimed at his only victim... himself  (Please check your grammar here - this is a powerful line and should be presented clearly.  "Why do I always hold the spray can like the killer holds a gun/ aimed at his only victim/ me)

These are just suggestions and you should disregard them if they do not work for you.  There is power and purpose in your poem and I do believe you could tighten it, correct some grammatical mistakes, and have a really dynamic poem.  Thank you so much for sharing with me.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

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