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Your friend in poetry, Susan

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Cup of tea (1 reply)

Comfort
1 week ago
Comfort 1 week ago

The calming sip of your love
Sweet with every gulp
warming the butterflies that you allowed to bloom

A cup of tea
Clear water transformed to this dark substance to satisfy your desires
The stain
Discoloured on my white matter

A cup of tea
I'd like another cup please

Susan Katz
1 week ago
Susan Katz 1 week ago

Sincere thanks for sharing your poem with me.  It's light and lovely and moves to a gentle rhythm.  I do have a few suggestions - see below:

The calming sip of your love
Sweet with every gulp      (Not sure "gulp" is the right word here - Sweet with every swallow - taste - sip - might work better.  Gulp is too hard a word for the gentleness of the poem.)

warming the butterflies that you allowed to bloom (Do butterflies "bloom" - they emerge - they soar - they fly - flowers bloom)

A cup of tea
Clear water transformed to this dark substance to satisfy your desires (satisfying your desires and, I would break this line into two lines after the word dark)
The stain
Discoloured on my white matter (Discolors my white matter)

A cup of tea
I'd like another cup please  (Nice!)

There is so much about this poem that I really like.  Sometimes a single word makes all the difference.  First make sure the word fits the thought, the feeling and then, read the poem out loud to yourself and see if the word fits the flow, the rhythm of the poem.  Please let me see it again when you have had a chance to work on it.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

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