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Your friend in poetry, Susan

FEATURED POEM
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Father (1 reply)

Comfort
1 week ago
Comfort 1 week ago

Does your heart ever remind you to miss. As you kiss your other do you ponder on mother and the I your rejection. 

 

Father 

My cheeks grow tender with each tear that flows in fantasy of : 

 what could have been,

 Should have been,

 Shouldn't be, 

 Should I even be? 

 

Father 

When you left... When you fled was I the ignition, was I like omen to farmers havest or like viking with war cry that shook you out of your village. 

 

Father 

I hate you for what could have been yet I miss you. 

I hate me for missing you when he and she speak about their daddy and I... 

I hate you.

 

 

Susan Katz
6 days ago
Susan Katz 6 days ago

This is a very emotional, very intense poem and, for the most part, it works very well.  We feel your pain and we understand your message.  Please see some suggestions below:

 

Father 

My cheeks grow tender with each tear that flows in fantasy of : (I would end this line with "fantasy" and bring "of" down to start the next line.  I would omit capitals at the start of each line and, omit punctuation because this poem is a flowing thought, an ongoing feeling and we don't punctuate thoughts and feelings.)

what could have been,

 Should have been,

 Shouldn't be, 

 Should I even be?  (Love this!)

 

Father 

When you left... When you fled was I the ignition, was I like omen to farmers havest or (this line is a bit confusing - "/" this symbol stands for line break - I would break it up to read:  "when you left  /  when you fled was I / like the viking war cry that shook you out of your village))

 

Father 

I hate you for what could have been yet I miss you. (I would take out "yet" and turn this into two lines)

I hate me for missing you when he and she speak about their daddy and I...  (when others speak about their daddy... take out "and"

I hate you.

This is a really powerful poem.  I would love to see it after you've had time to think about it and do some editing.  I would definitely consider it for a future "Featured Poem of the Week.  Please remember that what I offer are suggestions, the poem is yours and you may consider my suggestions, apply them or, disregard them,  Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

 
 
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