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Hidden Scars. (1 reply)

Tiny glowing star
1 month ago
Tiny glowing star 1 month ago

Engulfed in desires,

Their love didn't reach me,

Yet I told those bitter words-frivolously,

A hopeless daughter I was!

Pain wouldn't go away,

Nor did I care to save my wandering heart!

Susan Katz
1 month ago
Susan Katz 1 month ago

Thank you for sharing.  There are some lovely moments in your poem and an abundance of emotion.  Please see suggestions below:

 

Engulfed in desires, (I would make it "desire" not desires - and get rid of the comma - you want it to flow - not bring us to a "stop")

Their love didn't reach me,   (Love didn't reach me works better here "their" is confusing)

Yet I told those bitter words-frivolously,  ("told" those bitter words - not sure what that means - perhaps "hold" those bitter words - then just leave a few spaces and go on to "frivolously")

A hopeless daughter I was! ( I would leave off "I was" and exclamation point - don't give us a reason to pause or stop)

Pain wouldn't go away,  (better way of saying this?  Pain was my constant companion - pain    always by my side...)

Nor did I care to save my wandering heart!   (Nice!)

Hope this helps a bit.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

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