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Hollow (1 reply and 1 comment)

Being_oasis
1 month ago
Being_oasis 1 month ago

Clouds up above my head,

As I walk down the moonlit lane,

Gentle wind carrying on its back,

Squeaks, chirps, silent laughs.

 

Hands tucked deep inside,

Eyes bowed down, saddened mind

Mundane thoughts in my head

Stupid emotional distress

Feelings hidden from the world,

Came barging in, no answers learned.

Some questions they did propose,

Answers were two drops alone.

 

Friends I had quite a few,

Left now none, it’s just me and you,

Who is the other, you might wonder?

Mind and heart blown asunder

Being clumsy to cure the gloom inside,

Behind that smile is a crying child,

Why so sad? Can’t really tell!

You might relate, if you knew well

 

Didn’t grow from the kid I was,

Making paper planes, paper boats,

Dancing under the thunder clouds,

Jumping on puddles, wherever found,

Watching squirrels, at their merry play,

Peeping at sparrows from far away.

Dazzled by the starry sky,

Listening to the sounds of night

 

No idea, why am I still

Whether is it a curse, or is it chill

To be a child in an adult build

To be a child in an adult build

 

Walked past some passerby

Smiles exchanged, no replies

Eyes conversed what lips could not

Forgot the gloom, happy thoughts

Strangers we were all along

Travelers having tea at dawn

 

Fall of night, taking place

Walking under good moon’s gaze

Lost am I In this world?

Or All of it is just a blur

 

Life and its complexities

Cannot really comprehend

Pray to be anything else

Just not a zombie of the adult realm

Just not a zombie of the adult realm

 

 

 

:-Mohammad Owais

Susan Katz
4 weeks ago
Susan Katz 4 weeks ago

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your very intense and meaningful poem.  I did want to tell you that you have some very fine, very bold moments here, and your message comes through loud and clear.  What I would like to suggest (please see suggestions alongside the lines below) is that you spend less time on rhyming and more time composing lines like:

Didn’t grow from the kid I was,

Making paper planes and paper boats, (you don't need the "and" - in poetry "less is more")

Still, dance under the thunder clouds (take out "still" and just go with "dancing" under thunder clouds - love this line!)

And jump on puddles, ("jumping" - whenever possible put your lines in the present tense - it makes them more relatable and meaningful)

wherever I found (wherever found - take out "I")

Still watch squirrels, and their merry play,  ("watching squirrels at their merry play)

And peep at sparrows from far away. ("peeping" at sparrows from far away_

Dazzled by the starry sky,

Listened to the sounds of night ("Listening" to...)

These are, of course, just suggestions but I do think your poem has great possibility and would love to see it again, after you've had a chance to edit it.  Thank you so very much for sharing your work with me, Susan

 

Being_oasis
4 weeks ago

Thank you so much for reading my poem and giving such intricate details, i have been submitting poems on your page since a year and your teachings have helped me improve a lot. I did the necessary corrections you asked for. Hope you like it.

Ps: really looking forward to learn more about poetry from you.
tysm 🙂

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