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Your friend in poetry, Susan

FEATURED POEM
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iron man (1 reply)

Comfort
4 weeks ago
Comfort 4 weeks ago

I too, am iron man…

My walls, were iron

No brick ever laid

Only the floor was cemented

though with cracks so I’d always have grass to play with

the food, came in tin cans, which were iron too,

 

Though… iron walls sound pleasant when it rains,

 

The iron house between brick homes,

The iron house with no windows but the holes were wide enough to glimpse at the glimmering candle,

The iron house that made the boy with the iron heart,

The iron house that all the other kids would stare and whisper about,

 

Though… sleeping on the floor meant I’d have no monster beneath my bed.

Susan Katz
4 weeks ago
Susan Katz 4 weeks ago

Thanks for sending - this has some wonderfully powerful moments and builds dramatically to a very intriguing ending.  If I may offer a suggestion - try to create your images (and your drama) with the best possible words, in the best possible order.  Unnecessary words just dilute the impact you are going for.  Example:

Only the floor was cemented  (only the floor cemented / with cracks so there would be / grass to play with / food in tin cans -don't know if you need to say that cans were iron too - and actually, I'm not sure they are iron - perhaps "tin?")

though with cracks so I’d always have grass to play with

the food, came in tin cans, which were iron too,

 

Though… iron walls sound pleasant when it rains, (Don't, I think, need the "though" - just "irons walls sound - another word or image for pleasant - when it rains: - this is a lovely image - one that recalls memories, I think, for everyone.)

Really well done and well written.  Thank you so much for sharing it with me.  And, may I wish you a very happy, creative new year, Susan

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