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Journey of a dry leaf! (1 reply)

Tiny glowing star
1 month ago
Tiny glowing star 1 month ago

Journey of a dry leaf!

 

Where have you headed?

To the north, or the south that leads,

In a blink of an eye,

To somewhere where the faith seeds!

 

Look ahead,

You are flawless as you are,

Don't need a companion to shed,

Tears in this journey of yours!

 

You might have lost everything,

Or had been dead in an inevitable fate,

When there is an end,

There is also a beginning!

 

Shout out loud,

For you had traversed the great fate,

Your life time may have shortened,

But still the journey goes on and on!

-Swetha.

Susan Katz
1 month ago
Susan Katz 1 month ago

Good morning, Swetha.  I love the concept of your poem - the ongoing journey of the dry leaf - perhaps a metaphor for "the journey of life."  I would like to make a few suggestions - see below:

Where have you headed?  (Perhaps "gone" would  be better or, "where are you headed?)

To the north, or the south that leads, (don't need "or the" - just "to the north / 'break line here'  new line - south leading

In a blink of an eye, (the blink...)

To somewhere where the faith seeds! (Either "somewhere" or "where" - and a bit confused by "the faith seeds"  Perhaps you could say that in a clearer way.)

 

Look ahead, (Can you find a more poetic way to say this?  Example: "Beyond tomorrow... )

You are flawless as you are,  (don't need "as you are" - just "you are flawless")

Don't need a companion to shed, ("needing no one to shed")

Tears in this journey of yours! (on your journey)

 

You might have lost everything,

Or had been dead in an inevitable fate, (died in an inevitable fate)

When there is an end, (How about - "Where there are endings / there are also beginnings")

There is also a beginning!

 

Shout out loud, (can a leaf"shout")

For you had traversed the great fate, (for you have traversed...)

But still the journey goes on and on! (and the journey goes on and on and on...)

This poem has great potential.  I think you need to think about ways to compact your thoughts into images that say, through the five senses, what your want us to know.  I'd like very much to see this poem again, once you've had a chance to work on it some more.  Thank you so for trusting me with your work.  - Susan

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