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Your friend in poetry, Susan

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Journey (1 reply and 1 comment)

Jagruti Bajaj
3 weeks ago
Jagruti Bajaj 3 weeks ago

Driving through the long journey

To see the dusk wrapping the sun

To give way for the 

vibrant moon

Is what a God creation is....

 

The stretch of golden canvas 

With a touch of colours cloud has

Just roaming like if it wants to cover the journey

Is what a God creation is...

 

The touch of golden rays on those traveller

Makes it more attractive to capture

And me as a poet keep on thinking

Is what God creation is...

Susan Katz
3 weeks ago
Susan Katz 3 weeks ago

Good morning and thank you for sharing your poem with me.  You have some beautiful lines and the mood and flow of the poem is lovely.  I do think you could tighten it and add to the rhythmic flow of the poem and I've made a few suggestions alongside the lines, below.

The suggestions are just that - please consider them or reject them as you feel best - there are, as I've said, some very moving and meaningful moments in this poem and I am delighted you shared it with me.

Your friend in poetry, Susan

Driving through the long journey

To see the dusk wrapping the sun (would omit "the")

To give way for the (I think you might want to extend the image of the line before..."To see dusk wrapping the sun / in shadows making way for the vibrant moon...")

vibrant moon

Is what a God creation is....

 

The stretch of golden canvas 

With a touch of colours cloud has (touched by a "rainbow" or other descriptive word here -  of colors) (clouds roam as if they want to cover - not sure what 'the journey" means in this context)

Just roaming like if it wants to cover the journey

Is what a God creation is...

 

The touch of golden rays on those traveller (Golden rays touch travelers / capturing what? - as a poet I keep thinking this / is what God's creation is)

Makes it more attractive to capture

And me as a poet keep on thinking

Is what God creation is...

 
 
Jagruti Bajaj
3 weeks ago

Thank you for your suggestions I will definitely take it in a positive way..

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