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Your friend in poetry, Susan

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" maybe someday we can be" (1 reply)

Comfort
2 weeks ago
Comfort 2 weeks ago

My eyes had met her before we first spoke as if destiny whispered and said "that's the apple of your eye" 

 

The first look she gave... inimic 

The first words I spoke... comedic

The first hug she gave, I felt erotic or maybe emotions muddled. 

 

Reluctant to whatever encryption her essece was decrypting as if mines soul was coded with a message to say " I...."

Ney too reluctant to accept it 

Susan Katz
2 weeks ago
Susan Katz 2 weeks ago

Thank you for sharing your work with me.  There are some fine moments in your poem but, I believe you have to choose a rhythm and stick with it.  For example:

My eyes had met her before we first spoke as if destiny whispered and said "that's the apple of your eye"  (I believe this is a good beginning but, would like to see it in the form that follows...- Our eyes met - we spoke as if destiny whispered - not sure about 'apple of my eye' a bit of a cliche - love how the next lines work - but again, try to keep your format - first hug she gave erotic - would leave off maybe emotions muddled... and from there would love to see you tighten the last stanza.)  There's some good writing here and I would very much like to see this again when you've had a chance to do some editing.

I'm on the road the next few days and so there may be a delay in my responding, if you resubmit, but I will as soon as I have the time.

 

Your friend in poetry, Susan

 

The first look she gave... inimic

The first words I spoke... comedic

The first hug she gave, I felt erotic or maybe emotions muddled.

 

Reluctant to whatever encryption her essence was decrypting as if mines soul was coded with a message to say " I...."

Ney too reluctant to accept it

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