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Mighty Men (3 replies and 6 comments)

Being_oasis
9 months ago
Being_oasis 9 months ago

Peeping through the window,

Running in the wild I saw,

My younger self

Just look how handsome he was

A boy of simple bones and flesh

No talents he had to impress

It was just he and his innocence

 

Basking in the glorious sun

Look at this carefree one

Lying under shady trees

Playing with the fairies free

 

Then on a single day

The gazing sun lost its shine

Fairies, pixies all went blind

Lonely soul was confused

For he did not know

What is needed to be done?

Mighty men arrived

The boy ran for his life

 

They all went after him

And he sat in his car

The closest to his life

As it would turn into anything

He liked or disliked.

The car roared through the growing forest

With the hope to escape from them

The chase changed to a fight

And then there was cannons against beams of light

 

As his laser started increasing

Pinching mighty men,

Piercing their weapons

They came with all their strength

Thrashing the poor boy inside

As he sat with his broken friend

Ah! The poor broken friend

 

The mighty men took the boy with them

Inside their aging den

Schooled him till the day he learned

No objection to the men’s word

No questions out of syllabus

Only mug, mug and mug

 

After years of programming

The boy was released

A shattered machine in the wild fields

Waiting to unite,

With his love, his life

His friend of old time

Which still laid in the forest

The forest known as child

And the friend was none other than

His mind, imagination open wide

Susan Katz
9 months ago
Susan Katz 9 months ago

Thank you so much for sharing your very inviting, very self revealing poem.  I think you have some wonderful moments in your poem - moments that are both compelling and quite well written.  There are some places where your grammar (English not being your first language) gets in the way of the poem's intent.  For example:

Peeping through the window,
Running in the wild I saw,
My younger self
Just look (how) handsome he was
A boy of simple bones and flesh
With nothing to impress
Just his sheer innocence

The rest of the stanza is excellent  - delightful - well-written and subtly poetic.  I like the way you have three "slant rhymes" at the end of your stanza, "flesh" "impress" and "innocence."  Deftly done!

Your poem has a presence and a purpose and invites us to read on.  I would love to see it again, after you've had a chance to do a bit of editing (remember, less is more, in poetry) and address the grammatical issues.  Thank you so much for allowing me the  opportunity to read your poem.  Your friend in poetry, Susan

Being_oasis
9 months ago

i am extremely obliged for my errors as i am not very good at typing. i have removed all the ills please see to it once more

Susan Katz
9 months ago

Good Morning from Connecticut, USA. You have made wonderful progress with your poem. You have tightened it, and addressed most of the issues with English grammar. I might add, poetry is often forgiving when we take language and twist it about a bit. And so, some moments in your poem work really well. I particularly like your first stanza but wonder if you meant to say -

With nothing to impress
WITH NO ONE TO IMPRESS
Just his sheer innocence
WITH HIS SHEER INNOCENCE

I truly like your ending - the "confession" if you will that this journey you've taken us on, this "friend" you introduce us to in your poem, is the boy's imagination. Lovely. Rather than go over the poem here, may I suggest you read some of the lessons here on my website. I talk about imagery, rhyme, poetic techniques, and editing. Your poem has come a long way and deserves the attention to detail I think would make it a truly meaningful poem. Please let me see your next version of it and perhaps, I will be able to feature it as my "Poem of the Week" after you've been able to declare it "finished." Keep on writing and believing in yourself. I do think you have talent. Write on, Susan

Being_oasis
9 months ago

will not let you down😊

Susan Katz
9 months ago

You are in no danger of letting me down. I am impressed by your enthusiasm, your creativity, your talent, and your persistence. Just about everything a person needs to be a good writer.

Susan Katz
9 months ago
Susan Katz 9 months ago

Work on this line.  It does not make sense in English.  "As it would into turn into anything..."

Being_oasis
9 months ago

hi!
i can finally conclude that i "finished" the poem
just to give you a brief about the poem a short summary kind of thing so that you are able to get an idea about what i am trying to say
The poem takes us on a voyage through the eyes of a man who is looking out his and he remembers his past how he was a child who had no extraordinary abilities.
An innocent soul who just had the power of original thinking with which he live half his childhood
The boy was enjoying his childhood his freedom doing what he liked but then the mighty men metaphor to all parents who take their child away from their imagination and bashes their ideas their original thinking confining them to a syllabus of school or college destroying their power to think and just making them a robot who is left to care for himself in a world for which he was never prepared for with a programmed mindset.
I hope i was able to explain to you well enough , if not please forgive me

Regards,

Owais☺

Susan Katz
9 months ago

Thank you for that very intense and emotional and human explanation of what the poem means to you. I hear what you're saying in your poem and was not implying you change your message but only that poetry is an art form, and like all art forms, it has rules and ways in which words come together to form ideas. I do believe you have talent and I do understand the place from which your poem was conceived and, I congratulate you on being able to take those punishing feelings and put them into words and put the words into the format of a poem. Keep feeling - keep writing - keep sharing. Poetry has always offered me a way to manage my life by being able to speak it, in all its joy and sorrow, love and loss, gratitude and anger, though the power of the poem. - Susan

Being_oasis
9 months ago
Being_oasis 9 months ago

hi!
i can finally conclude that i "finished" the poem
just to give you a brief about the poem a short summary kind of thing so that you are able to get an idea about what i am trying to say
The poem takes us on a voyage through the eyes of a man who is looking out his and he remembers his past how he was a child who had no extraordinary abilities.
An innocent soul who just had the power of original thinking with which he live half his childhood
The boy was enjoying his childhood his freedom doing what he liked but then the mighty men metaphor to all parents who take their child away from their imagination and bashes their ideas their original thinking confining them to a syllabus of school or college destroying their power to think and just making them a robot who is left to care for himself in a world for which he was never prepared for with a programmed mindset.
I hope i was able to explain to you well enough , if not please forgive me

Regards,

Owais

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