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My adventurous date. (1 reply)

Tiny glowing star
2 weeks ago
Tiny glowing star 2 weeks ago

The butter sun just shines,

Making its way along the clouds,

I want to cuddle with this day,

Making my perfect path in this month, May!

 

The breeze is just soothing,

For my astonishing date,

But I don't wish for a candle light dinner,

To just have a meal while staring the site!

 

My date boosts up with adventures,

 A thrill to enjoy with my partner,

A challenge to participate with enthusiasm,

While holding hands, feeling each other's warmth!

 

My date is an amusing wonder,

To experience with him under the clear sky,

I have no boundaries to cross alone,

Since my partner would always come along!

 

- Swetha.

 

 

 

Susan Katz
2 weeks ago
Susan Katz 2 weeks ago

Once again, thank you for sharing your poetry with me.  I really like your opening stanza -  I would however, consider editing a bit to make it fit more concisely into the structure of poetry - see suggestions below:

The butter sun just shines,  (The butter sun shines)

Making its way along the clouds, (A better, more poetic word than "making" - prancing, dancing, leaping, sliding, ???)

I want to cuddle with this day,

Making my perfect path in this month, May! (Again "making" does not add anything to the beauty of language or impact of imagery - Discovering, finding, path-finding, and I don't know if you need "in this month" - "Discovering my perfect path in May)

This stanza becomes more story than poem.  What we need are images for things like "adventures" - thrills -challenges - the last line is nice but, you do not need the exclamation mark - the words should tell us how much "warmth" there was.

My date boosts up with adventures,

A thrill to enjoy with my partner,

A challenge to participate with enthusiasm,

While holding hands, feeling each other's warmth!

I would prefer if you would use another word for "date" - again, looking for an image or, simply say "he is an amusing wonder" - "experiencing what? under a clear sky"  And, I think you need a stronger ending with imagery that speaks to us in the voice of poetry. "I have no boundaries to 'face" alone as ...

My date is an amusing wonder,

To experience with him under the clear sky,

I have no boundaries to cross alone,

Since my partner would always come along!

Since I know you are serious about your poetry and are working to elevate your writing, I have given an honest critique, from my perspective.  This, however, is your work and please feel free to use or dismiss, my suggestions.

Wishing you a very creative day - your friend in poetry, Susan

 

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