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Your friend in poetry, Susan

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never have i ever (2 replies)

Riya Jaiswal
2 years ago
Riya Jaiswal 2 years ago

 

never have i ever

meant the words i

wrote to call it poetry

stars waited patiently for me 

to rip open my heart and

cry tears of blood

but i sat motionless

staring in abyss

 

stars never made me feel

heard the way you did

 

never have i ever 

truly met my eyes

after you walked away

smile never reached my eyes

for they were too far away

searching for yours

my image looked

prettier in your hazel eyes

 

mirrors never made me feel

seen the way you did

 

never have i ever

let earth kiss my soles

after you left tingles in my bones

sun's golden arms lay outstretch

to bask blessings upon my head 

but i stand still like melted wax

in memory of flame that

once ignited warmth within

on moonless nights

 

hugs never made me feel

embraced the way you did

 

Susan Katz
2 years ago
Susan Katz 2 years ago

Thanks so much for sharing your poem with me.  I find it to be powerful and filled with the essence of what poetry is about - feeling - emotion - imagery and some lovely rhymes.  I have had a hectic day and do not have the time to offer you my insights, at the moment but, will be back in touch tomorrow.  Thank you again for sharing this fine poem with me, Susan

Susan Katz
2 years ago
Susan Katz 2 years ago
Riya Jaiswal
20 hours ago
 
Good Morning Riya - please see my comments below.  By the way, if you would send your poems, via email, please include your email address and I can do my edits and comments there - if that is what you prefer. 
 
I would like to mention that I like your format - no caps - no punctuation - just a flow of thought - it works well.

 

never have i ever

meant the words i

wrote to call it poetry (and instead of to - wrote and called it poetry - "to" seems a little out of place)

stars waited patiently for me (lovely and nice use of enjambment - have your line end meaning one thing and then connect with the next line, to mean something additional)

to rip open my heart and (don't need the "and" - in poetry, less is more - if you can take a word out - do so)

cry tears of blood

but i sat motionless (I would just say "motionless I stared" next line "into the abyss)

staring in abyss

 

stars never made me feel

heard the way you did (nice)

 

never have i ever (I know it rhymes but it is a bit overused "never have I ever" so I would just go with "never have I truly / next line - met - your eyes? - I don't understand "met my eyes...")

truly met my eyes

after you walked away

smile never reached my eyes (smile's' never reached my eyes...)

for they were too far away (for they were - I would take out "too far away" as we know that from previous lines - also,  a word here that describes the "search"

searching for yours (searching for the light in the eyes - the response - the love>)

my image looked (I looked prettier in your hazel eyes)

prettier in your hazel eyes

 

mirrors never made me feel

seen the way you did (very nice)

 

never have i ever (again, I would be wary of "never have I ever:)

let earth kiss my soles

after you left tingles in my bones

sun's golden arms lay outstretch (outstretched)

to bask blessings upon my head (basking blessings on my head - take out "to")

but i stand still like melted wax ( I melt like wax)

in memory of flame that (love this line)

once ignited warmth within (don't think you need the "within")

on moonless nights

 

hugs never made me feel (This confuses me a bit - isn't it hugs and love and connection that you are talking about?  So what hug does not make you feel embraced?  I think these two lines - the ones that need to leave us with your messagge and the intent of the poem - need a bit of clarification.  You have a strong, powerful, well-written poem - it just needs, as all poems do - some revision.  The poem that went out in my newsletter yesterday, when I reread it in the newsletter, told me it too needed revision and so, I will be doing a newsletter one of these weeks, addressing revision, editing and using that poem as an example.  As with most things in life, there always ways to improve them.  Happy writing!)

embraced the way you did

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